The Box on Wheels that Everyone Hates: Scion xB
The Hottie? Certainly Nottie!
This car could have been called the Xb, XB, or ABC - a “cool” change-up of the capitalization certainly doesn’t do anything to help this crapper. Probably one of the ugliest cars to ever hit the roads, the Scion xB clearly only gained some favor among misguided shoppers because of its low price tag. But that’s not it. You see, there are leaders, and there are followers. This car is not only for the followers, but for the baby-boomers who want to be “hip” and just “follow the trend.” Unfortunately, there never was a trend. What happened is that teenagers who turned 16 and received their first car got this shitso as a “surprise” from their parents. And why did their parents buy it? For one, the commercials were good enough to convince them that this vehicle would make their sons popular among the ladies. Yet even more importantly, the low price tag convinced them that the low cost would make daddy popular around mommy - while leaving more coin to throw around at the local strip club. And from there we have the sad, sad outcome that we see today, with lots of these cars on the road.
Now it didn’t stop there. The aforementioned baby-boomers and their desires to be “hip” (while already budgeting for their hip replacements) drove many 50+ folks to buy what the “cool teens” are driving. Clearly it looked like the xB was on the uptake. Oh no, they didn’t notice the other cars on the road and the growing popularity of sweet cars such as the Subaru WRX among teens. Why? Because this ugly box was the only thing catching anybody’s attention - leaving nothing to catch the vomit that inevitably followed after visual contact with the xB.
But why did this shit ever make it out there on the roads? Clearly it was due to the fact that Scion (Toyota) saw an opportunity to make bank - even with it’s low price tag. There is only one possible explanation for this despicable design. Clearly, the Scion xB designers (if they can even be called “designers”) made their order for the steel that was supposed to make the actual xB (whatever it looked like) - and when the materials came in and they noticed that they got flat sheets of metal, they must have thought: “dang son, why not just weld that shit together at the edges and create a metal cube - and then just put some wheels on it, like, you know, little simple wheels that will hold the weight.” And whoever supervises decisions or signs off on them was just like: “shyat, you’s a genious. Lez do it.”
Now the world has to bear this fugly ride and tolerate it on their tax-paid roads. While some people just stare in awe, trying to understand not only how this thing made it into production but also how someone in their right mind would ever buy it, to others this box on wheels reminds them of the many bad decisions that they might have made in their lifetime. To us, the Scion xB looks like a port-a-potty with a chimney (of course laying on its side, with wheels).
