Renault Trafic Panel Van
Today, Jalopnik.com ‘made a funny’ by featuring cars in which you could live once your house gets repossessed. So we thought why make a new theme for the day – let’s just continue on what’s already been made popular. We’d like to add our own little (or rather, big) fugly ride to the list, which would also potentially serve as lodging if necessary. Yet I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone to drive in this thing, let alone sleep in it. We will go ahead and also call this a FuglyRides.com original production (to some extent) because we have our own pictures of it – just like we were able to originally deliver images of the communist van from last week. Today we look at the horrendously boxy Renault Trafic Panel Van. Yup, it is indeed another Renault, which gives the French a back-to-back double feature. Aptly named, this van undoubtedly stops all traffic within sight as drivers all around lament the contamination of our roads.
Looking at the front, you all should be trained enough by now to notice the immediate mistake numero uno: mixing ugly and plain black plastic with nice ‘n shiny metal chassis. That’s a big no-no. Exposed plastic like that on a car should translate into “don’t do it” in any language, even the French one. Aside from that, it’s got that huge windshield, incredibly steep slant, and weak/rounded headlights. It looks like a helpless little mouse scouring for cheese – with big eyes to suggests its innocence and vulnerability. Who the heck wants a damn cargo van that looks too wussy for a soccer mom to drive? Its face is way to “smiley” and all happy. The out-bulging that the black plastic bumper is sporting is also not a good look. It creates another one of those “underbite” effects.
Now what comes to mind when you see the back? Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Precisely. Once again, here we go with the plastic. Didn’t the Honda Element teach car-makers anything. It wasn’t voted ugliest car all over the place for nothing. Why invite yourself into the same category? The Renault Trafic makes it even worse by pretending that it’s got some grandiose “columns” like an expensive bed headboard. I guess they do want you to sleep in it. Even worse though, this back view exposes the uber-boxy nature of this van. That’s just hideous from all sides. And check out that slight bump above the seating-cabin toward the front. Is that a design thing or does it serve a function during roll-overs? By itself it just looks like the car already has a bump from a roll-over. And just when you thought that all hope is lost…you’re right. They could have at least done something neutral with the rims. But no! They thought, why not include the cheapest possible kind of rims that we can get past quality control. Weak, crappy, thin metal. That’s all we’ll do for ya. After all, what can you expect? It’s not like the best rims out there could make up for the rest of that beast.
The Renault Megane: Another French Failure
So we admit it: the US car industry is not doing so well. But that’s because the whole economy is down, people are spending less, gas recently became very expensive, etc. There are reasons that are out of the manufacturer’s control. Despite all of this, you can’t say that US car-makers have consistently produced hideous-looking cars. Although not all, most cars would pass the “ok, that looks fine” test. But what the heck is it with these European car markers (except for many of the German brands/models, of course). We’ve already seen how the Italians can mess up, how a German car made it on the list, and how the French created something that doesn’t even look like a car. You’d think that those were isolated instances – but no ma’am. Here the French go again with the Renault Megane.
From the front, the car doesn’t look all awesome and amazing, but it could fly. Typical and plain, but it doesn’t necessarily kill your eyes when looking at it. Sure, why extend the headlights toward the center with some ugly black plastic? Why not just let the metal hood wrap fully around the lamps, which are rather nicely contoured and have that “aggressively slanted” look that people tend to like? Who knows. But it must have something to do with the fact that the rest of the car is incredibly ugly, so they probably couldn’t leave too much of a contrast with a front that would otherwise be just fine.
Now will you just look at that ass! Damn! If this were a woman, and you were a back-lovin’ man, then we’d agree that this is one booty-licious ride. We all know that Sir Mix-a-Lot loved big butts and he couldn’t lie, and we can’t deny that when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist…
But who knew that the French, with their butter and croissant loving habits, all happy on their wine-and-cheese diets, were so fond of large behinds? Did they decide to target the American hoods with this ride after getting a rough (and clearly butchered) translation of Mix-a-Lot’s famous song? This car look way deformed. That thing in the back is bigger than the hood on some other cars out there. This little Renault is sporting a tumor that’s been overlooked for quite some time – having grown to such proportions that you’re not sure where the front of the car is. If you can’t really tell how unappealing this bump in the back is, here is another perspective:
Who would guess that this is the back of the car, just by looking at that picture? Hardly anyone (although the wiper, window, wheel trim, and bumpers kinda give it away…). It makes the car look blatantly awkward. Like it’s bloated and needs some serious relief – or medical care. What’s the purpose of it anyway? Clearly can’t be aesthetic (although maybe for the French it is). And it can’t serve much of a “space adding” function since you’ve only got some extra clearance horizontally on the bottom of the trunk. We should all be grateful that Renault is not sold in the United States. We would all be worse off.