The New Ford Flex: Guaranteed to Trigger Your Gag Re(Flex)
The New Funeral Wagon
You’d think that this car was made 5+ years ago when the industry didn’t know any better and thought that box-cars were “hip” and growing in popularity. But no. This one’s a newbie, barely out on the streets yet. Did Ford miss the memo? You betcha. Did Ford ever miss any other memos? For sure - in fact, all of them.
So now we’ve got to put up with another repeat of the Scion xB trend. In fact, it’s so similar, that even the Flex commercial features flashy graphics, cool colors, and bass-heavy music - all in a sweet little package that might actually catch those “wanna-be-hipsters”, especially among the older generations. We shall all start going to our respective religious organizations on a regular basis to pray that the Flex will not become mainstream. Let the powers that be limit their population to only several so that we can make fun of people who have them - to the point that they will falter under pressure and get rid of them. All will be good again.
The Flex is simply an unattractive car. Maybe they tried to avoid making it a ‘cube’ like the other cars, but creating a rectangle doesn’t make it any better. And what the heck is up with the white roof? You know what cars have white tops? UPS trucks! But they’re big and rather tall, so no one can see the cheapo lack of continuous color. Sure, UPS can go ahead and save a few bucks by not painting the top, while also avoiding too much sun-absorption so that the inside of the cargo area can stay cooler. Whatevs. But why does the Flex need to have a white top? Clearly, it must be the “genius” idea that the “hip” people who buy this car can go all out with dry-erase markers to “decorate” their cars and personalize them. In fact, it would be better if they use Sharpies. Mess those rectangles up permanently. You can’t make them any uglier than they are, so the good thing is that you can only make it better by decorating the top. You’re only limited by your imagination. In fact, we’ll get you started. If you have some spare change around, buy a Flex just for the heck of it. Next time you have a corporate presentation (or school presentation) drive that pooper right through the building and into the main conference room (or classroom). Make sure that as you crash in you flip the car on its side. And bam! You’ve got yourself an immediate whiteboard to present on. Now it’s only up to you: you can have the presentation prepared and just point to the roof-top or write/draw on it in real-time while you present. Wow this makes life so much better.
Yet the true target audience for these gag re(Flex)es must undoubtedly be the profitable funeral homes around the country. After all, Ford serves the police industry well with the Crown Victorias - so why not sign contracts to supply coffin wagons. Take a good look at the Flex. It’s got the length, the perfect width, and sufficient height to fit a full-size body-box in the back. No doubt the Scion xB missed out on the opportunity. Stupid them. Ford was smart here. Cheap, modern, gas-efficient, and ugly enough to evoke sympathy as its driving in a funeral motorcade - the Flex is perfect to carry Grandpa once the day comes. That’s a commercial that we’d actually want to see. Get on it, Ford.
