The Nissan Cube Needs to be Recalled
What is it with companies continuing to create these ugly box cars? When Scion did it, they sold a lot not because their car was super hott looking. The only reason they made it big was because Scion’s price tag is so low. People will buy anything for less if it gets them from point A to point B – especially if they can get a new car for less than anywhere else. Yet other manufacturers simply associated the Box design as being a smash hit – and unfortunate for the rest of us, started copying the design. Don’t they see that these cars are hideous?
The Nissan Cube is one serious uggler. It doesn’t even play off the “bad-ass” vibe like the straight-edged and corner-cut Scion xB. It has this bubbly aspect to it as if trying to be cute. Well, it fails on all angles. And when did Nissan miss one of the central points of human appeal – symmetry? I believe they use that as a guideline for every other model they produce – so why not on the Cube? Probably because they knew it would be doomed to fugly-hell, and so why not pretend like you ‘meant’ to make it completely unattractive in the first place.
I sincerely hope that Nissan Cube owners will become so used to have a full view behind them to the back-right that they forget that there is for some stupid reason an obstruction on the back-left, resulting in careless driving mistakes when backing up and multiple crashes throughout the owner’s lifetime. They’ll be minor enough that nothing will happen to the driver (after all, they’ll be going in reverse), but still of course memorable enough that even those who gave this uggler a try will associate nothing but hate and annoyance with the Cube. Luckily they’re being recalled, but for a small fault. Hopefully soon they will all be recalled for being butt-ugly.
The Mercedes G-Class – A Modern German Tank
Oh, the Germans. We just covered another Mercedes two days ago that compromised the German car-marker’s image of “prestige” and “quality”. Now we have another aesthetic failure by Mercedes with the overly-boxy and just way-too-edgy G-class. This seems to be another case of German nostalgia for their military past, like the VW Thing.
The worst thing about the G-class is the geometry. Everything is square-ish and boxy. All the parts are separate. There is no fluidity – no smoothness – no flow. Everything is jagged. The bumper and fenders look like they’re not even fully attached. The hood looks like it’s barely latched onto the car. The headlamps have their own little thing going. Looks like you can just pull out their square housing. And the roof/top? Clearly not even part of the car. You can just pop it off.
Worst of all is that this ugly SUV goes for around 100 grand, which is a crazy amount to pay for something as hideous as this. In fact, you can get a car that looks almost identical for a fraction of the price from India – made by the good people at Tata Motors. Seems to be confirmation that rich people don’t know what to do with their money. It’s even worse when they decide to use their extra cash to litter the roads with some street-legal panzer tank. People, please stop buying this car and let’s just get it out of production! And certainly don’t even think about getting the overly-awkward convertible version which makes this look like the Suzuki X-90:
Renault Trafic Panel Van
Today, Jalopnik.com ‘made a funny’ by featuring cars in which you could live once your house gets repossessed. So we thought why make a new theme for the day – let’s just continue on what’s already been made popular. We’d like to add our own little (or rather, big) fugly ride to the list, which would also potentially serve as lodging if necessary. Yet I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone to drive in this thing, let alone sleep in it. We will go ahead and also call this a FuglyRides.com original production (to some extent) because we have our own pictures of it – just like we were able to originally deliver images of the communist van from last week. Today we look at the horrendously boxy Renault Trafic Panel Van. Yup, it is indeed another Renault, which gives the French a back-to-back double feature. Aptly named, this van undoubtedly stops all traffic within sight as drivers all around lament the contamination of our roads.
Looking at the front, you all should be trained enough by now to notice the immediate mistake numero uno: mixing ugly and plain black plastic with nice ‘n shiny metal chassis. That’s a big no-no. Exposed plastic like that on a car should translate into “don’t do it” in any language, even the French one. Aside from that, it’s got that huge windshield, incredibly steep slant, and weak/rounded headlights. It looks like a helpless little mouse scouring for cheese – with big eyes to suggests its innocence and vulnerability. Who the heck wants a damn cargo van that looks too wussy for a soccer mom to drive? Its face is way to “smiley” and all happy. The out-bulging that the black plastic bumper is sporting is also not a good look. It creates another one of those “underbite” effects.
Now what comes to mind when you see the back? Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Precisely. Once again, here we go with the plastic. Didn’t the Honda Element teach car-makers anything. It wasn’t voted ugliest car all over the place for nothing. Why invite yourself into the same category? The Renault Trafic makes it even worse by pretending that it’s got some grandiose “columns” like an expensive bed headboard. I guess they do want you to sleep in it. Even worse though, this back view exposes the uber-boxy nature of this van. That’s just hideous from all sides. And check out that slight bump above the seating-cabin toward the front. Is that a design thing or does it serve a function during roll-overs? By itself it just looks like the car already has a bump from a roll-over. And just when you thought that all hope is lost…you’re right. They could have at least done something neutral with the rims. But no! They thought, why not include the cheapest possible kind of rims that we can get past quality control. Weak, crappy, thin metal. That’s all we’ll do for ya. After all, what can you expect? It’s not like the best rims out there could make up for the rest of that beast.
The Communist Pick-up Truck: Live from Poland
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, loyal readers and disloyal readers, randos who ended up here while exploring the inter-connectedness of the interwebs aimlessly, and pedophiles who misunderstood what this site is about: we present to you the first FuglyRides.com original production. Featured today is an unknown-brand and unknown-model communist-era pickup-style truck shot LIVE! in Poland. This sexy two-axle roller was spotted while members of the FuglyRides team were vacationing in the post-soviet satellite-state only several months ago. This all-rights-released original photography was done with our professional snap-shooting equipment, which is comprised of a larger-than-pocket-size 2.1 megapixel super-cam from 1999. And don’t you dare criticize our “amateur” equipment! Back in the day this sleek point-and-shoot machine was top-of-the-line and a serious wallet-buster at the prices back then. No question about it that we’re a professional outfit.
But take a look at this rugged vehicle. It introduces a new category into the site that features old rides. Anything that has made it from mere paper into the actual physical world is fair game. Of course it has to be fugly, but there is no shortage of that here.
Ford F-150 and Dodge Ram, move over. Despite its humble roots in the USSR and its classification as an almost-extinct species, some modern car maker will no doubt pick this up and redesign it for new, mainstream production. I mean you would be stupid not to. Take at it, Detroit! Lead the world with another “great idea” of yours. Why should it be revitalized? Well, let’s just appreciate the beauty and craft that went into this truck even so many years ago. What happened with the super-idea of having rims match the tires? Why did we start making rims in clashing colors? Tires clearly never were made in various colors, so why not just leave it matching? This surely makes no sense. Look at the uniform and calm beauty of those wheels. We wouldn’t have to worry about keeping the rims clean. Today, when the rim matches the tire, we know that the owner has been neglecting his car and failing to have his 4-year old wash the rims with a toothbrush or having his dog lick off all the dust after smearing the rims with bacon-lard. We forgot the good old days where it all didn’t matter, since everything was just plain black. Ah, do we miss the old times… (not!)
And check out the geometry of that pick-up truck. You think you’ve started a new revolution with your boxes and cubes – Scion, Ford, and Honda? Oh you have not! You blatantly copied the brilliant concept from the red-hats to the East. You should be ashamed. But at least this makes it clear why it was indeed such a “great idea” after all. And another feature to note on this Soviet car is the careful selection of colors. While the cab in front is a light yet powerful green, the back is a communist yet dull red. Oh do we wish the mud flaps in the back were a sunny yellow to round it all out. Yet we can’t have everything. But this makes you think. Did they not have enough of one color rationed during communism to finish the full car? Was the amount per color that was shipped over to the factory just enough for the respective halves of the car? Only by the time one truck was sold did another can of each color come in? Of course we can only speculate. But to give them the benefit of the doubt, we would be best to assume that the makers of this F-150-killer truck were well ahead of the times and used different colors on purpose. Only now do we see “smart manufacturers” reviving the trend, such as with the black plastic panels on the Honda Element and the white roof on the Ford Flex. At least we now know that they took their ideas from an excellent source of inspiration.
What makes this crappo-truck such a contender for new best pick-up in its class is undoubtedly the cargo space. Just take a look at that ingenious use of vertical space. I mean c’mon Ford, Dodge, Toyota, and all the other pick-up producers out there. Don’t you realize you can make those walls in the back higher and let people fit more stuff? Just imagine the possibilities. Anyone could be filling up their bed with oranges during their trip to the Sunshine State, with peaches on their way through Georgia, or ping-pong balls to deliver to bored college kids. And imagine the possibilities for landscaping companies. Can you even comprehend how many more Mexicans would fit in the back without the risk of having them fall out on turns?! Get on it people, and start exploiting that vertical space which is so endless. If you’re going to copy some of the exemplary features of this truck, make sure you copy them all!
And you ride on, little truck! Roam the streets of Poland and explore your roots. You must have been a true pimp-wagon back in your day. I’m sure that there is even more to your beauty than is visible on the outside. It’s the MPG that counts.
The Honda Element: Mostly Plastic and Not Ashamed
That's not just a different color. That's plastic!
Oh, Honda Element. Why art thou so ugly? Cause you sure are one heck of a butt-ugly car. One thing that I can appreciate about the people who made the Element is that they clearly had the guts to reveal that their new ride is mostly made of plastic. Never mind the fact that blatantly showing off the plastic trim around the front, wheels, side, back, etc. is just really unpleasant to look at. Forget that. What’s even better is that from a safety perspective, plastic really seems like it might not do a whole lot. Now of course the main-frame and cage are what’s important, and the rest of the chassis is just for show. Sure, all cars have plastic, especially for the front and rear bumpers. But c’mon – do you have to make it this obvious? Why advertise that the almost 20-thousand bucks you want people to spend will go towards buying unpainted plastic? At least the other folks out there making rides, whether they’re nice or ugly, put some effort into flushing the whole body exterior and matching all components so that it all looks nice and uniform. Not the Honda Element though. No, sir. They’ll make sure you know that the Polyethylene terephthalate from all the plastic water bottles that people so nicely recycle goes right into providing some nicely clashing decorative panels all around your brand-spankin’-new SUV. All you green party environmental freaks out there: this is for you. Go wild!
The newer generation of the Element (it’s still in production?! yeah, that’s what I was thinking!) seems to have caught on and remedied that problem at least. They’re now making it nice and flush on all parts of the car – “finally” following the “trend” that’s been around since the Model T came out. They still kept the roof in the same plastic design. But hey, you can’t have it all, right? That’s why the Element is still with us here on the fugly list. Yet it’s clearly not just that. What else is there? Well, let’s see. There seems to be a trend here. Look at the Ford Flex, the Scion xB, and the Element. What do they have in common? They all have zero curvature, simply made of several slabs of flat components welded/joined together in a simple box shape. The reason for this continued cube-movement must be that costs are lower in production. What else could explain the continued drive against aesthetics except for money. Money is always to blame in situations like these. The Element makes it all even worse though, because it’s so much bigger and wider and taller – which just makes it so much more boxy and cube-y. And then there are those suicide doors which just makes it all that much more tacky. If a sweet ride had these butterfly-type doors, then it would just make it even that much more “cool” – but for the hippies driving the Element, it just makes them look that much more clueless and disconnected with the society around them.
Even if you’ve gotten used to seeing this car on the road and have become fully habituated, not really analyzing its ugliness much anymore, you have to admit, whether you like it or not, that when you first laid eyes on this car you threw up in your mouth a little bit. Yea, it happened to all of us. The only way we can forgive the Honda team that worked on this is to blame it on the inevitable effect of habituation as they were exposed to the car repeatedly at every step of the design. They must have been rendered immune to its unattractiveness. At least they named it the Element through, clearly and undoubtedly referring to “The Elements” as in “inclement and severe weather” – and thus “undesirable” – reflecting their own subconscious disgust for this abomination.
The Box on Wheels that Everyone Hates: Scion xB
The Hottie? Certainly Nottie!
This car could have been called the Xb, XB, or ABC – a “cool” change-up of the capitalization certainly doesn’t do anything to help this crapper. Probably one of the ugliest cars to ever hit the roads, the Scion xB clearly only gained some favor among misguided shoppers because of its low price tag. But that’s not it. You see, there are leaders, and there are followers. This car is not only for the followers, but for the baby-boomers who want to be “hip” and just “follow the trend.” Unfortunately, there never was a trend. What happened is that teenagers who turned 16 and received their first car got this shitso as a “surprise” from their parents. And why did their parents buy it? For one, the commercials were good enough to convince them that this vehicle would make their sons popular among the ladies. Yet even more importantly, the low price tag convinced them that the low cost would make daddy popular around mommy – while leaving more coin to throw around at the local strip club. And from there we have the sad, sad outcome that we see today, with lots of these cars on the road.
Now it didn’t stop there. The aforementioned baby-boomers and their desires to be “hip” (while already budgeting for their hip replacements) drove many 50+ folks to buy what the “cool teens” are driving. Clearly it looked like the xB was on the uptake. Oh no, they didn’t notice the other cars on the road and the growing popularity of sweet cars such as the Subaru WRX among teens. Why? Because this ugly box was the only thing catching anybody’s attention – leaving nothing to catch the vomit that inevitably followed after visual contact with the xB.
But why did this shit ever make it out there on the roads? Clearly it was due to the fact that Scion (Toyota) saw an opportunity to make bank – even with it’s low price tag. There is only one possible explanation for this despicable design. Clearly, the Scion xB designers (if they can even be called “designers”) made their order for the steel that was supposed to make the actual xB (whatever it looked like) – and when the materials came in and they noticed that they got flat sheets of metal, they must have thought: “dang son, why not just weld that shit together at the edges and create a metal cube – and then just put some wheels on it, like, you know, little simple wheels that will hold the weight.” And whoever supervises decisions or signs off on them was just like: “shyat, you’s a genious. Lez do it.”
Now the world has to bear this fugly ride and tolerate it on their tax-paid roads. While some people just stare in awe, trying to understand not only how this thing made it into production but also how someone in their right mind would ever buy it, to others this box on wheels reminds them of the many bad decisions that they might have made in their lifetime. To us, the Scion xB looks like a port-a-potty with a chimney (of course laying on its side, with wheels).