The WAY Too Tricked-Out Pickup Truck
Communities of car enthusiasts host occasional meets-and-greets to showcase their rides, and oftentimes it’s a hit-or-miss outcome. The hits can be sweet rides, and the misses can be a great source of ridiculousness that provides us with a feeding ground for pix and flicks. And here of course is one example, with a crazy-arse pickup truck that’s just a bit over the top. At first glance it might not seem like it, but when you look closer, it’s pretty clear.
So what’s wrong with this seemingly sleek ride? For one, it’s the “pebble effect” or whatever else you might want to call it. What am I referring to? Well, check out the rims for instance. Tons of little beads – they separate the flow and make it look disconnected. And look at that grille guard. Once again, these diamond-beads line the top and bottom (maybe it’s even on the grille itself). But most of all: take a look at the side-view mirrors! WTF?! It’s a friggin guitar head with tuning keys and everything included! So is this a car or a musical instrument? Clearly neither.
Wait – so it’s a video game machine as well? So you’ve got fake instrument side-view mirrors and then fake-instrument game controllers? So what’s the deal here? And is that a television on top there? Cause it definitely looks like it’s the back of a window air conditioning unit that’ll be cooling the front cab of the car. Classy. Oh, and let’s hope that it never starts raining as you’re driving this thing. You know, being practical and all, this ride has 90% of the onboard electronic components exposed to blend with nature. Maybe they’re trying to appeal to the “green” crowd by embracing the outdoors with all that soon-to-be landfill gadgetry.
The New Mercedes US: Ugly Stump
Ladies and gents – so once again we get a chance to make fun of a car by calling it a “toy”. But this time it’s not a usual subject of ridicule – it’s a Mercedes. And yet, calling it a toy is not even a joke – no need to use your imagination, just use your eyes. Check out the “redesigned” stump-variation of the GLK:
What does that remind you of? C’mon. Don’t be shy. Don’t hold it back. You know it. The memories from your childhood. The toy that the cool kid always had. The reason you have to shell out a whole week’s paycheck to make your child a happy camper. That’s right – it’s a life-sized, adult-version, precise-copy of the Fisher-Price Power Wheels car! In fact, it looks to be a very close knock-off of the luxurious Cadillac Escalade:
The Suppository Racer
OK – so there is really not much to say for this one. It’s one of those that you just have to look at one and you already know what everyone’s thinking. Specifically, this lil’ racer looks like it will drive right up your poopshoot, hopefully leaving the wheels behind as it slides into a rectum like your common medical suppository.
Sure, it’s nice and all that someone built this from scratch and put a lot of work into it. But can you just imagine how that same time could have been used for something much more productive? Heck, if you like cars that much, go get yourself a crapper from the salvage yard for $200 and rebuild the thing. That’s fun now – not building some type of torpedo rocket on wheels. Even better, you could have done some good for society (instead of hurting our eyes) – even saving a couple puppies at the shelter. Next time, get on that. Kthxbye.
A Mustang and a Smart Car Sitting in a Tree…
It’s starting to look like there are so many ugly cars out there and so little time to cover them all. We’re thinking that we’ll switch over to a format with even less text so that the visuals can “shine” and speak for themselves. You can use your imagination to ridicule the ugly cars that we expose. Starting with today, which must have included a lot of such imagination just to be able to come up with an incredibly unappealing concoction by cross-mating a mustang with a Smart Car.
Depending on your tastes this picture might be babe-a-licious for you. But definitely independent of your tastes and rather objectively, the ride in the background is just awkward and uncomfortable to look at. It’s one of those cases of stunted growth again. Looks like a dwarfed muscle car. The Smart Car by itself is OK looking and passes overall. The mustang is just a nice-looking car in general. So why ruin both of them at once? Do you have nothing better to do, whoever did this?
At least we all know now what it looks like when you superimpose one of the cars onto the other – Mustang and Smart. But did anyone ask for that? Was anyone actually curious? No! In fact, the result looks like a cheapo home-project. Even reminiscent of communist little cars. Especially the back – where that little ledge just doesn’t make any sense. The true inspiration must be the communist FIat.
The Hummer H3 on Wooden Wheels: Art?
I just don’t get people sometimes. Why in the world would you take a car that’s already ugly and make it even uglier? It’s great for us. We get to showcase the uninteresting Hummer H3 as a car itself and also this specific modified H3 with friggin’ wooden wheels. What’s best of all, they are apparently calling this “art”. I mean I’m no pro or anything at this, but since when did we call “making something incredibly ugly” as equivalent to “art”? And that leads us to the next question: what is the world coming to?
What the heck is going on here? Some are thinking that it’s “baller” and commenting on the “awesomeness” of this. But let’s get real. I don’t care if it’s just for art – it’s clearly impractical. Why in the world would you want to ride on wooden wheels like it’s 1650 if we have put so much money into making whatever tire technology is considered to be the “best” today? But even besides that, take a look at how ugly the Hummer itself is. A simply artless car – without form, without any distinctive presence (except for it’s overly large size), without any appeal. Looks like no inspiration went into this car – except for only maybe the original hummer, which was even uglier than this of course. Like many of the other cars we’ve looked at, including even yesterday’s Mercedes G-class, it’s way too jagged, boxy, cuby, and just too disconnected among the various dimensions. Eww.
If the wheels had some interesting and unique design, if they even had some creative shape, or just some interesting colors, then sure, maybe it could be somehow considered to be “Art”. But what’s so great about this? Simple wood with simple spikes with simple unfinished tree carvings. What’s the big deal? It’s just ugly – and that’s it. The wheels are oversized and the thinness makes them look just ridiculous and out-of-place. Just don’t do this again – ever. Thanks.
The Full Plastic Jeep Renegade Concept “Car”
While ridiculing many of the other cars, we’ve joked that they look like “toys” or “Fisher-Price” products. The goal was to make fun of their designs by suggesting how they “could” be viewed as objects for kids to play with. That was all for good times. This time, however, we’re not joking. This is full-out serious: The Jeep Renegade Concept vehicle looks positively and absolutely like a children’s toy. Looking at it, you just want to put your hand on it and push it across the window sill while making a “wrooom” noise.
We should be thanking whatever ‘overseer’ we believe in that this is just a concept car. At the same time, we should be praying to the same fella or lady that his never make it into production. Sure, metallic light-green is a nice color and all. But that’s it – if anything. Even worse, many people have blamed Chrysler (the makers of Jeep and this car – yup, the Chrylser that has gone downhill and is clearly not doing better as we can see) for just blatantly and outright-ly copying this car from the video game Halo. So not only is it ugly, but they didn’t even come up with it themselves! If you’re going to copy something anyway, why not make sure your tracing something S.I.C.K. like the Aston Martin One-77. Leave it up to Chrysler/Jeep though to really mess up. Just look at those puny headlights. Like a little creature just looking straight ahead, staring aimlessly, looking clueless. No conviction in that expression at all.
And check out that overly-rounded buttocks. Once again this is that type of example of a car where you wouldn’t know if you’re looking at the front or the back of it were it not for (of course) the position of the steering wheel and the color of the lights. Rounded like that is way out of style. And what are those compartments in the back? What are they holding? Looks like they’re buckets or something. What is this? A car to drive around and water plants? Is this another one of those attempts at making an enviro-mobile? No wonder! That might explain its ugliness. (Just go with this excuse, Jeepo)
Now let’s not get started on the “safety” aspect of this ride. Does it look like there is a roof option? Nope. You’ve gotta deal with it. Wanna ride it in the rain? Well, hopefully you like water. And water at high velocity at that – right in your face. In fact, forget water and rain. Take it out for a spin in any weather on any day, and with that 3-inch-tall windshield you’ll be sure to get some bugs smashed right into your face. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll get some flying insect right in your nose – and with the speed at which it will be traveling it could very well penetrate your brain membrane, rendering you dead, paralyzed, or incoherent for the rest of your life. Enjoy! Oh, and do you like it when your leg dangles freely in the open air? Well no problem! They’ve got you covered. Just put it through the half-door with the big gaping hole and you’ve got yourself a vacation.
The Suzuki X-90: A Japanese Nightmare
Check out this little hot-shot. It probably thinks that it can attract the ladies, with its tight frame and rounded figure. Problem is that the ladies don’t have much buying power without the men out there (oh, snap) – and no guy would buy this weird looking ride. We’ll give it to Suzuki that they’ve got some nice bikes, and their ATVs aren’t bad either. But what have they ever done for the car market? Nothing, except for put out these unappealing vehicles that make absolutely no sense design-wise. The Suzuki X-90 is no exception. Too bad it doesn’t have another two X’s in the name – then we could censor it legally.
You can clearly tell that this is a Japanese car just by looking at it. The thing has got that “small” trend that all people, gadgets, and food follow over there. It’s just a little nation with little people. The problem with Suzuki seems to be that they haven’t realized that the rest of the world is different. Toyota, Nissan, Honda, and Mazda all do well because they understand who they’re selling to overseas. Even Mitsubishi gets it. Suzuki seems to still be catering to Japanese clients. I mean, only a “Hello Kitty” fanatic could love the look of this car – and all Hello Kitty fanatics are too young to even sit behind the wheel of a car.
What is this thing? A simple car by design it’s clearly not. You can’t call it an SUV. It seems like it wants to be a Jeep, but isn’t quite there. A van, definitely not. On top of that, it only seats two people. What the heck! Ugly and inconvenient. Sure, you buy a sports car with 2-seat capacity – but not some unidentified riding object that embarrasses you on the streets.
Instead of just turning it into a hatchback and leaving it there, the Suzuki peeps decided to make the back look like the front. It kinda looks like some space-shuttle when you stare at it for a while. That weird “pod” in the middle seems like it’s “forced” (included out of necessity) just to be able to accommodate the vertical space that a person needs. The whole thing just looks misshapen and disproportional. The spoiler doesn’t make it any better. Clearly it serves no function. It’s not like this is a back-wheel-drive racer that needs a good aerodynamic wing to help it grip the road better at high speeds. The sole purpose of that decorative strap in the back is to make it even more ridiculous and imitate your standard radio-controlled car from Toys R Us. Oh, and the great design on the side of the car in this picture: stellar! And the rims? Super quality. Can I get those aftermarket for my ride?
Oh, and did you think that this car couldn’t be made to look any more pathetic? No sir-eee. You are wrong, ma’am. There are freaks out there who not only buy this life-size toy, but they even go out of their way to make it look even more ridiculous and pathetic. Take for instance, the oversized wheels:
By the way, those are standard size 15″ rims. They just look like that on the X-90 because the car is ridiculously small. Some people even think they’re cooler than that, putting the standard-size wheels everywhere. Maybe that’s roll-over protection? Either way, the only oversized thing seems to be sitting inside the car:
Now that’s one tricked out ride. While we strongly disapprove of the above modifications to the Suzuki X-90, we fully and wholeheartedly endorse submerging your uggler in water. In fact, just drive it into a huge body of water to make sure that it’s getting a real good bath. Yeah, baby! Drown! Drown! Drown!
The Fiat Multipla Will Scar Your Eyes
We will take the great wisdom and advice of a PWoT Moderator in the forums of Cracked.com who goes by the name Ripper, and we will attempt to make this site a bit better and more appealing to your sense of sight by including more pictures and having less text. He pointed out that at times the paragraphs turn into a “wasteland of text” that is distracting from the potential it might have for spurring the occasional chuckle. So for chuckling’s sake, we will start busting out the visual media a bit more. Enjoy.
Here is a car that just causes immense pain when you look at it – your eyes hurt, your spirit dies, and any hope you had about the goodness of human civilization just evaporates. The Fiat Multipla is one sorry attempt at design. And to think that this is the exact same company that also produces Ferrari’s and Maserati’s, some of the best-looking cars on the road. Maybe they purposely put all the crappy designers in the lower-end brand of the family to make the high-end cars stand out more. Wouldn’t be a bad strategy – and it’s clearly working. The front of this car looks like some type of insect with a horrible disease that causes its mouth to swell up and bulge out. Those little itty-bitty headlamps just make the car look outright ridiculous and blatantly pathetic. If it’s indeed true that humans are attracted to cars with angry faces, then everyone must inherently hate the Multipla. Its face looks like a Japanese cartoon character that’s just oh-so joyously happy and simply can’t contain his extreme excitement through that awkward grin.
The back is also no good. The paneling is just too flat and too simple. The lights in the back bulge out and the sides look a bit like love-handles. Sometimes you’ve got a car that has a sexy front but an ugly back or vice versa, but here both ends are just unacceptable. At least the back window is big enough that it’s easy for anyone to just smash it into pieces. Whether you’re a good shot or not, when you swing a bat at that (which you should absolutely do if you see one of these) then you’ve got some good surface area and there is a high chance of you just getting it right in the sweet spot.
Worst of all though is the way that the Multipla looks from the side. It gives me goosebumps to look at this and just consider that it’s actually real and not just from some messed up Sci-Fi movie. What the hell is that awkward extra bulge between the hood and the windshield? Sure, when designing a car you might hope to make it “different” and there is not much to change since a car is a car – but why do you have to just go out there and offend people by putting something misshapen and deformed on the roads? The whole thing is just so incredibly disproportional – with windows too big and that weird curvature. Instead of getting a tax credits such as for hybrids and electrics, anyone who is driving one of these should be paying double taxes for imposing a very strong negative externality upon the rest of the world.
The MDI AirPod: I’d Rather Be Walking With My iPod
Why? That's all. Just tell me why?!?!
What the hell is this? No, seriously! What. The. Hell. Is. This. Are you kidding me? Never mind about all the other ugly cars out there. This makes them look amazing. This thing makes the Prius look like a supercar and the PT “Pity” Cruiser like a “Sexiest Car of the Year” winner.
This was “designed” by MDI, which seems to be French (at least the main site is in French). An open question to these French designers: why would you give the world even more reason to hate the French? Do you hate yourselves? Maybe you’re a group of ex-homeless people who found a pen on the street and stole some napkins from the local croissant shop, and thought that you’d get back at the nation that rendered you without a roof by opening them up for ridicule? If so, then you’re genius!
It’s impossible to understand what got into these people’s heads. I’m certain now that croissants are unhealthy. They clearly mess you up. I don’t know if it’s the vision that got affected or mental state, but whichever it is, I want none of it. Luckily from what it seems this is just a concept car for now, but it’s already waaaay too far into the process just as a concept car. In fact, France might already be busting out some of them onto the streets over there. And it wouldn’t be a surprise if it gets into full-scale production though, since it looks like Tata Motors of India materializes some of the MDI designs – and they already have several hideous-looking kid-mobiles such as the Nano. And if they’ve already got the “Nano” it just seems logical to continue with the Apple name knock-offs to start producing the AirPod – probably soon to be known as just the aPod. If this really makes it out there then I will personally start fund-raising to sponsor a huge multi-national demolition derby where we will have all Nano’s against all aPod’s, and then switch the rules mid-game to make it “every man for himself.” The winner will get a new car, and we’ll blow up the remaining Nano or aPod as the grand finale. I can already see the success of the event. All proceeds will go toward curing the side-effects of croissant consumption.
The AirPod apparently claims to have some super-nifty technology or mechanism by which it can run on compressed air. This makes it a “clean” car that’s “environmentally friendly” and all that crap. What it actually does though is just prove and reaffirm that the new “green revolution” in cars will be a central feeding-ground for FuglyRides.com and for general ridicule worldwide. All of the “green cars” that have been designed so far have been unacceptably and uncomfortably ugly, except for maybe a couple like the Tesla motors models. As for the AirPod, it’s even an exception among that crowd. Simply put, it might be the definition of fugly. I don’t care if it’s “clean” or any of that. I don’t care if it doesn’t pollute and has no gas emissions. I don’t care if it farts out cancer-curing particles as it drives. The options we face here are either to: a) become clean and make the world a better place, populating it even more as health increases; or b) keep the world as it is, with population in check and possibly decreasing as pollution increases. Sure, option (a) would be dandy, but it comes packaged together with fugly things and a full disrespect for aesthetics such as the existence of green cars like the AirPod, whereas option (b) might not be all too great in the long-term but at least it involves a lot of good-looking and “sexy” aspects that make Earth look like a dope place to be from a “yo, that’s cool” perspective for any outside “Alienz” that might be looking on with envy. Option (b) is clearly the way to go. The only redeeming feature about the AirPod is that it seems to have a pretty sweet tint job. That’s not enough though.