The Hummer H3 on Wooden Wheels: Art?
I just don’t get people sometimes. Why in the world would you take a car that’s already ugly and make it even uglier? It’s great for us. We get to showcase the uninteresting Hummer H3 as a car itself and also this specific modified H3 with friggin’ wooden wheels. What’s best of all, they are apparently calling this “art”. I mean I’m no pro or anything at this, but since when did we call “making something incredibly ugly” as equivalent to “art”? And that leads us to the next question: what is the world coming to?
What the heck is going on here? Some are thinking that it’s “baller” and commenting on the “awesomeness” of this. But let’s get real. I don’t care if it’s just for art - it’s clearly impractical. Why in the world would you want to ride on wooden wheels like it’s 1650 if we have put so much money into making whatever tire technology is considered to be the “best” today? But even besides that, take a look at how ugly the Hummer itself is. A simply artless car - without form, without any distinctive presence (except for it’s overly large size), without any appeal. Looks like no inspiration went into this car - except for only maybe the original hummer, which was even uglier than this of course. Like many of the other cars we’ve looked at, including even yesterday’s Mercedes G-class, it’s way too jagged, boxy, cuby, and just too disconnected among the various dimensions. Eww.
If the wheels had some interesting and unique design, if they even had some creative shape, or just some interesting colors, then sure, maybe it could be somehow considered to be “Art”. But what’s so great about this? Simple wood with simple spikes with simple unfinished tree carvings. What’s the big deal? It’s just ugly - and that’s it. The wheels are oversized and the thinness makes them look just ridiculous and out-of-place. Just don’t do this again - ever. Thanks.
Tata Nano - The Cheapo Ride For $2500
It’s called the “People’s Car” due to its affordable price. The $2500 price tag also means that it has to be made of components that together cost less than $2500 so that there is at least some type of profit margin on the sales. That also means that you are getting a whole car for the price of a “leather seat upgrade” on a Mercedes. So while you’re driving in this little joke of a car, the guy in the luxury sedan next to you at the red light is farting into a leather seat that costs more than the steering wheel you’re holding, the pedals you’re pressing, the windshield you’re looking through, and the radio you’re listening to - combined.
This car looks like it has a disease that’s bloating and inflating the car from the inside and will make it explode soon. The front hood and windshield are already bulging out beyond standard safety specifications. The thing also came with some type of pre-existing condition that stunted its growth. It looks like a sickly stump, awkwardly underdeveloped. It’s the kid who was tallest in third grade and then stayed the same height for the rest of his life.
It also seems to come in the most vibrant and eye-catching colors possible - such as neon red and sunshine yellow. The car should instead only be made in camouflage patterns to increase the possibility that no one will actually see it as it’s driving down the road. Asphalt grey is also an option. We want to avoid attracting attention to the driver - the poor guy who lets himself see in public in one of these. And check out those wheels. I’m sure that with the low price of that car, new tires will go for about 10 bucks - but if you’re close to a Home Depot or Lowes you can just pop in and pick up a wheelbarrow. In fact, those wheels are made by the same people who supply the wheels for the Tata Nano. Yup, a little known fact - now made public. You’re welcome.
How to Make an Audi Look Ugly in 3 Steps
You’d think that, overall, Audi’s are ugly-proof cars. In general, this car-maker fits with the German bunch well in terms of appealing aesthetics. But that doesn’t mean that the evil capacity of the average man can’t ruin machine by rendering even a normally attractive Audi into something ludicrous. It seems from our case study at hand that only three steps are required - and this can certainly apply to any car:
- Spray-paint the front of the car. To avoid an even and smooth look, use a sponge to “blot” the wet paint and smear it a bit. You may also use a brush to distribute the paint unevenly.
- Without unfastening any screws, rip off the back bumper. It is preferred that you also remove the front bumper, but just one is also acceptable. Make sure you expose some bare and unfinished metal from underneath so that it gets a good layer of rust. The more the merrier. Oh, and have a friend ram you in the back with their car to give your ride a “rough ‘n tough” look.
- Lastly, replace all four wheels with spare tires. Start with the one at the bottom of the trunk. Make sure that the wheel is smaller than the normal one and that the rims are black. To find extra spare tires in addition to the one supplied with your car, ask friends or relatives if they can “spare” one. It doesn’t matter what car make/model it’s from. Give them your full-size tire in return. And say “thank you”.
The outcome will be an amazingly sa-weet looking car - and so unique that you’re guaranteed to get some looks and stares on the street. Don’t hesitate to rev your engine at the red light to attract some attention - not that you’ll need to work hard to market your ride. Eyes will surely be drawn to your pimped out Audi without any effort on your part. And one last thing: make sure not to wash the car too often. In fact, never would be best. You don’t want to risk scrubbing off some of the spray paint. Trust us on this one.
The Full Plastic Jeep Renegade Concept “Car”
While ridiculing many of the other cars, we’ve joked that they look like “toys” or “Fisher-Price” products. The goal was to make fun of their designs by suggesting how they “could” be viewed as objects for kids to play with. That was all for good times. This time, however, we’re not joking. This is full-out serious: The Jeep Renegade Concept vehicle looks positively and absolutely like a children’s toy. Looking at it, you just want to put your hand on it and push it across the window sill while making a “wrooom” noise.
We should be thanking whatever ‘overseer’ we believe in that this is just a concept car. At the same time, we should be praying to the same fella or lady that his never make it into production. Sure, metallic light-green is a nice color and all. But that’s it - if anything. Even worse, many people have blamed Chrysler (the makers of Jeep and this car - yup, the Chrylser that has gone downhill and is clearly not doing better as we can see) for just blatantly and outright-ly copying this car from the video game Halo. So not only is it ugly, but they didn’t even come up with it themselves! If you’re going to copy something anyway, why not make sure your tracing something S.I.C.K. like the Aston Martin One-77. Leave it up to Chrysler/Jeep though to really mess up. Just look at those puny headlights. Like a little creature just looking straight ahead, staring aimlessly, looking clueless. No conviction in that expression at all.
And check out that overly-rounded buttocks. Once again this is that type of example of a car where you wouldn’t know if you’re looking at the front or the back of it were it not for (of course) the position of the steering wheel and the color of the lights. Rounded like that is way out of style. And what are those compartments in the back? What are they holding? Looks like they’re buckets or something. What is this? A car to drive around and water plants? Is this another one of those attempts at making an enviro-mobile? No wonder! That might explain its ugliness. (Just go with this excuse, Jeepo)
Now let’s not get started on the “safety” aspect of this ride. Does it look like there is a roof option? Nope. You’ve gotta deal with it. Wanna ride it in the rain? Well, hopefully you like water. And water at high velocity at that - right in your face. In fact, forget water and rain. Take it out for a spin in any weather on any day, and with that 3-inch-tall windshield you’ll be sure to get some bugs smashed right into your face. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll get some flying insect right in your nose - and with the speed at which it will be traveling it could very well penetrate your brain membrane, rendering you dead, paralyzed, or incoherent for the rest of your life. Enjoy! Oh, and do you like it when your leg dangles freely in the open air? Well no problem! They’ve got you covered. Just put it through the half-door with the big gaping hole and you’ve got yourself a vacation.
Renault Trafic Panel Van
Today, Jalopnik.com ‘made a funny’ by featuring cars in which you could live once your house gets repossessed. So we thought why make a new theme for the day - let’s just continue on what’s already been made popular. We’d like to add our own little (or rather, big) fugly ride to the list, which would also potentially serve as lodging if necessary. Yet I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone to drive in this thing, let alone sleep in it. We will go ahead and also call this a FuglyRides.com original production (to some extent) because we have our own pictures of it - just like we were able to originally deliver images of the communist van from last week. Today we look at the horrendously boxy Renault Trafic Panel Van. Yup, it is indeed another Renault, which gives the French a back-to-back double feature. Aptly named, this van undoubtedly stops all traffic within sight as drivers all around lament the contamination of our roads.
Looking at the front, you all should be trained enough by now to notice the immediate mistake numero uno: mixing ugly and plain black plastic with nice ‘n shiny metal chassis. That’s a big no-no. Exposed plastic like that on a car should translate into “don’t do it” in any language, even the French one. Aside from that, it’s got that huge windshield, incredibly steep slant, and weak/rounded headlights. It looks like a helpless little mouse scouring for cheese - with big eyes to suggests its innocence and vulnerability. Who the heck wants a damn cargo van that looks too wussy for a soccer mom to drive? Its face is way to “smiley” and all happy. The out-bulging that the black plastic bumper is sporting is also not a good look. It creates another one of those “underbite” effects.
Now what comes to mind when you see the back? Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Precisely. Once again, here we go with the plastic. Didn’t the Honda Element teach car-makers anything. It wasn’t voted ugliest car all over the place for nothing. Why invite yourself into the same category? The Renault Trafic makes it even worse by pretending that it’s got some grandiose “columns” like an expensive bed headboard. I guess they do want you to sleep in it. Even worse though, this back view exposes the uber-boxy nature of this van. That’s just hideous from all sides. And check out that slight bump above the seating-cabin toward the front. Is that a design thing or does it serve a function during roll-overs? By itself it just looks like the car already has a bump from a roll-over. And just when you thought that all hope is lost…you’re right. They could have at least done something neutral with the rims. But no! They thought, why not include the cheapest possible kind of rims that we can get past quality control. Weak, crappy, thin metal. That’s all we’ll do for ya. After all, what can you expect? It’s not like the best rims out there could make up for the rest of that beast.
VW Thing - The Name Says it All
This is one hideous, despicably ugly, horrendously unattractive, just blatantly disgusting wanna-be car. How in the world did they produce these? It’s easy to understand how someone designed it though - this thing took absolutely no work to plan out. Draw a straight line for each side, a straight line for the hood, a straight line for the windshield - and you know what, since we’re going with the theme of straight lines, why don’t you also draw several straight lines on each straight panel of plain metal that you can find. Yet despite all of this straightness, the car is as gay as anyone could have ever made it. And what the hell are those handles or bars in the front? Do they expect that people will hold on to those? When? While driving? Pulling the car when it doesn’t start? Are you suggesting it’s unreliable? I was hoping that at least it would be reliable since it seems like there is nothing else redeeming about it. This better be one of those cases where the performance makes up for the looks.
If you think a bit about it though, it might not be too surprising that this car was made as it is - considering that it’s from the Germans. Their whole culture relies on the premise that “everything must be in order.” They’re military people. A nation of systematic planners, strategists, and the enforcers of “order” - yet based on their own (often unfortunate) schedule. This car is just another example of that. What better way to ensure “order” and keep everything perfectly organized than to embody it in a concoction that symbolizes the easiest formation of geometrical order? This attempt at a car probably made the German people proud. Under a German brand, embodying German orderly perfection, and distributed across the world, it was a perfect example of German culture. Does that make it any better? Not at all. That just makes it worse - since it blinded the designers even more and misguided objectives, once again ruining aesthetics. Great job, Deutschland. At least you’re good at soccer though.
So they made a military vehicle that symbolized their people and hoped that the rest of the world would embrace it. Well, apparently there are always people on both sides. Even until today there are many fanboys and clubs and websites for the Volkswagen Thing. Ideally, VW should have been “disqualified” in the game of making cars after creating this crapper. Yet they stayed in the game - but only after creating more “Americanized” designs. That’s a win for the U.S. of A. Take that!
And a last word: Those rims are crazy-ugly. The black bumps look like tumors. Way ugly.
The Communist Pick-up Truck: Live from Poland
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, loyal readers and disloyal readers, randos who ended up here while exploring the inter-connectedness of the interwebs aimlessly, and pedophiles who misunderstood what this site is about: we present to you the first FuglyRides.com original production. Featured today is an unknown-brand and unknown-model communist-era pickup-style truck shot LIVE! in Poland. This sexy two-axle roller was spotted while members of the FuglyRides team were vacationing in the post-soviet satellite-state only several months ago. This all-rights-released original photography was done with our professional snap-shooting equipment, which is comprised of a larger-than-pocket-size 2.1 megapixel super-cam from 1999. And don’t you dare criticize our “amateur” equipment! Back in the day this sleek point-and-shoot machine was top-of-the-line and a serious wallet-buster at the prices back then. No question about it that we’re a professional outfit.
But take a look at this rugged vehicle. It introduces a new category into the site that features old rides. Anything that has made it from mere paper into the actual physical world is fair game. Of course it has to be fugly, but there is no shortage of that here.
Ford F-150 and Dodge Ram, move over. Despite its humble roots in the USSR and its classification as an almost-extinct species, some modern car maker will no doubt pick this up and redesign it for new, mainstream production. I mean you would be stupid not to. Take at it, Detroit! Lead the world with another “great idea” of yours. Why should it be revitalized? Well, let’s just appreciate the beauty and craft that went into this truck even so many years ago. What happened with the super-idea of having rims match the tires? Why did we start making rims in clashing colors? Tires clearly never were made in various colors, so why not just leave it matching? This surely makes no sense. Look at the uniform and calm beauty of those wheels. We wouldn’t have to worry about keeping the rims clean. Today, when the rim matches the tire, we know that the owner has been neglecting his car and failing to have his 4-year old wash the rims with a toothbrush or having his dog lick off all the dust after smearing the rims with bacon-lard. We forgot the good old days where it all didn’t matter, since everything was just plain black. Ah, do we miss the old times… (not!)
And check out the geometry of that pick-up truck. You think you’ve started a new revolution with your boxes and cubes - Scion, Ford, and Honda? Oh you have not! You blatantly copied the brilliant concept from the red-hats to the East. You should be ashamed. But at least this makes it clear why it was indeed such a “great idea” after all. And another feature to note on this Soviet car is the careful selection of colors. While the cab in front is a light yet powerful green, the back is a communist yet dull red. Oh do we wish the mud flaps in the back were a sunny yellow to round it all out. Yet we can’t have everything. But this makes you think. Did they not have enough of one color rationed during communism to finish the full car? Was the amount per color that was shipped over to the factory just enough for the respective halves of the car? Only by the time one truck was sold did another can of each color come in? Of course we can only speculate. But to give them the benefit of the doubt, we would be best to assume that the makers of this F-150-killer truck were well ahead of the times and used different colors on purpose. Only now do we see “smart manufacturers” reviving the trend, such as with the black plastic panels on the Honda Element and the white roof on the Ford Flex. At least we now know that they took their ideas from an excellent source of inspiration.
What makes this crappo-truck such a contender for new best pick-up in its class is undoubtedly the cargo space. Just take a look at that ingenious use of vertical space. I mean c’mon Ford, Dodge, Toyota, and all the other pick-up producers out there. Don’t you realize you can make those walls in the back higher and let people fit more stuff? Just imagine the possibilities. Anyone could be filling up their bed with oranges during their trip to the Sunshine State, with peaches on their way through Georgia, or ping-pong balls to deliver to bored college kids. And imagine the possibilities for landscaping companies. Can you even comprehend how many more Mexicans would fit in the back without the risk of having them fall out on turns?! Get on it people, and start exploiting that vertical space which is so endless. If you’re going to copy some of the exemplary features of this truck, make sure you copy them all!
And you ride on, little truck! Roam the streets of Poland and explore your roots. You must have been a true pimp-wagon back in your day. I’m sure that there is even more to your beauty than is visible on the outside. It’s the MPG that counts.
