Nissan Glider Concept Car
And once again it looks like manufacturers are trying to follow each other on stupid silly trends that do nothing but create ugly cars for our roads. BMW is toying with a “leaning car” concept called simply SIMPLE, and here we see Nissan going for the same “feature” although while also following the misjudgments on design that had them make the Nissan Cube. If this whole leaning trend continues I will personally start a worldwide club of road-protectors whose time will be solely devoted to leaning-car-tipping. Experienced cow-tippers will be the first to get membership.
This thing clearly aims to take cars into a whole new dimension by reversing proportions. Instead of low and wide as most cars are, the Nissan Glider concept is clearly trying to create a trend of narrow and tall – or at least taller than it is wide. We should call it the “fish pucker face” period in car design and quickly ban such proportions.
Daihatsu Picnic Basket
What the heck is this ridiculous-looking thing? The Japanese are just crazy sometimes. Sure they make some of the best, most durable, well-performing cars out there. In fact, most of them look just fine. But why do they suddenly have to make themselves the strange culture again as with their Manga weirdness and be planning production of something that genuinely looks like a picnic basket – hence very aptly named at least?
It sounds like this is just a concept car for now, but let’s all pray and hope that it will never make it into production. There is no reason to make crap if you’re already spending the time and resources to design, plan, and produce something. I wish I were Godzilla and could just pick these little things up all over Japan to right by their basket handle to just throw them into the Ocean.
BMW SIMPLE Leaning Concept Vehicle
It’s painful to see manufacturers that usually create nothing but beauties make something appalling – or even think of making something that clearly doesn’t align with their usually good taste. Poor Mercedes has done it several times: with the A-Class, the G-Class, and the SLA Concept. Yet we rarely see BMW make sure a huge mistake. They’re only thinking about it for now with their SIMPLE concept, but the decision should also be simple in the end – NOT to actually mass-produce it.
This seems to be another unfortunate example where function is prioritized over form. We see it all the time with hybrids, where their “greenness” is supposedly a valid excuse for them being completely unappealing. Here with BMW it’s some “leaning” gimmick where the vehicle “curves with the road” on turns. Forget these types of useless “innovations” and focus on sticking with what works. Everyone would agree that BMW doesn’t need to improve much more on their ultimate driving machines. Yet, they feel the need to scare us with some spaceship that has wheels.
The Nissan Cube Needs to be Recalled
What is it with companies continuing to create these ugly box cars? When Scion did it, they sold a lot not because their car was super hott looking. The only reason they made it big was because Scion’s price tag is so low. People will buy anything for less if it gets them from point A to point B – especially if they can get a new car for less than anywhere else. Yet other manufacturers simply associated the Box design as being a smash hit – and unfortunate for the rest of us, started copying the design. Don’t they see that these cars are hideous?
The Nissan Cube is one serious uggler. It doesn’t even play off the “bad-ass” vibe like the straight-edged and corner-cut Scion xB. It has this bubbly aspect to it as if trying to be cute. Well, it fails on all angles. And when did Nissan miss one of the central points of human appeal – symmetry? I believe they use that as a guideline for every other model they produce – so why not on the Cube? Probably because they knew it would be doomed to fugly-hell, and so why not pretend like you ‘meant’ to make it completely unattractive in the first place.
I sincerely hope that Nissan Cube owners will become so used to have a full view behind them to the back-right that they forget that there is for some stupid reason an obstruction on the back-left, resulting in careless driving mistakes when backing up and multiple crashes throughout the owner’s lifetime. They’ll be minor enough that nothing will happen to the driver (after all, they’ll be going in reverse), but still of course memorable enough that even those who gave this uggler a try will associate nothing but hate and annoyance with the Cube. Luckily they’re being recalled, but for a small fault. Hopefully soon they will all be recalled for being butt-ugly.
The Spyker D12 SSUV
The closest competition to this little uggler that I can think of is the Dyson Upright Super-Sweeping Vacuum Cleaner. After all, take a look at that huge pout in the front. That under-bite grille on the Spyker looks like it could suck my carpet clean and dry in seconds. Even more – the hood looks like it has just the right place to attach the trash-collecting bag. Lucky enough though, at least the backside is nice – not!
The Long-Awaited Ford Transit Connect Electric
We have been waiting oh-so-long for a Ford all-electric car (not really of course – no one cares). Clearly, Ford wanted to check the landscape first to pop onto the scene with an all-star that blows everyone else out of the water. Honda tested the hybrid model first with its Honda Insight all the way back in 2000. Then the all-popular Toyota Prius made it onto the scene. Not much later, Ford itself created the Escape Hybrid to test the waters. But we have waited long, with much anticipation, as Ford was undoubtedly working days and nights to create the best, world-class design for its first all-electric debut. And we finally have it: the Ford Transit Connect:
What?!? Exactly. Let’s try to understand the thought-process here. This is Ford: a car manufacturer that is in some incredibly deep doo-doo – as is the car industry as a whole. They continue to make cars. With each one, they have an opportunity to create something that will have mass appeal. They can create a car that will look amazing and will cater to the most people possible. That way they could sell more cars, make more money, and be in less of that doo-doo. But what do they do instead? Create a crazy-ugly commercial panel van?!?! What in the world are they thinking! And they wonder why they’re failing?
Now that they’ve made a car to capture the hearts of the 20-person market that this targets, I really do hope that they create another such beaty that will grab the attention of another 20 folks with deep pockets. What a great business model, clearly. And take a look at that thing. It’s got all the boxiness that any eye hates. It looks incredibly cheapo and it even has a useless elevated roof that just completely eliminates all appeal. Don’t agree that the higher roof is useless? Well sure, you would reasonably think that there has to be a purpose to it. In a way, you’re right. They stretched the car vertically and ruined asthetics even more to make sure that they have space for the ever-so-necessary overhead compartment. Who doesn’t want to be like an airplane these days!
But at least it must be comfortable, no? Oh, yes, of course. In fact, just as comfortable as – once again – an airplane (except even less spacious than coach class):
Mercedes Benz SLA Concept
This isn’t one of the newer concept cars, which is good – because it means that it luckily didn’t make it out there onto the roads. But it still gives you some insight into what the heck people are thinking when they try to come up with a design.
Kudos to whomever pulled the plug on this before it made its way into production. Just making a concept car was a waste of time and resources though. If you look at the car and just take away the Mercedes emblem from front-center, you would never ever guess that this could be a Benz. It looks like some failed attempt by some cheap Korean brand to make a sports car (or at least something that looks like it). What’s the deal with that grid on top of the hood? Is it so that people can peek in? That looks like those crates that line the ceilings of rooms with fluorescent light bulbs/tubes.
Oh golly – and I hope that the suitcase there is included for free. Of course I’d like to let everyone know that I don’t have enough trunk-space to hold my groceries. C’mon now – there’s clearly a good reason for it. I cross the border a lot and I’d like to speed it up by making clear that I couldn’t be hiding anything. A body wouldn’t fit in there if I can’t even get a suitcase in, and clearly no smugglers would hire me since that load would be too puny for them. So let me go.
Toyota FJ Cruiser, Eye Bruiser
Here we’ve got an ugly ride by the same great people that brought you everyone’s favorite “Saved by Zero” commercial – which in fact features the oh-so-stunning FJ Cruiser. Truth is that the commercial is as repelling as the looks of the weird-looking eye-bruiser.
Something about a radical look and radical colors is just a bit too much. It’s either or love-it or hate-it deal with this ride, but most people would doubtlessly lean towards the hate-it crowd. To jaggedy and edgy yet bloated and ‘puffed-up’ at the same time. The headlights are puny and weak, giving off just a cheapo vibe. Who makes the turn signal bigger than the headlight? And just look towards the back at the tail lights – they stick out like some pimple that’s filled with puss. And once again we’ve got the ‘white-top’ look which for some reason is very common on ugly cars, as we’ve seen on the Ford Flex for instance. But if you’re really trying to convince yourself that you like this car, then let’s put it into perspective and make it all relative – just think of the fact that it could (surprisingly) look even worse:
The WAY Too Tricked-Out Pickup Truck
Communities of car enthusiasts host occasional meets-and-greets to showcase their rides, and oftentimes it’s a hit-or-miss outcome. The hits can be sweet rides, and the misses can be a great source of ridiculousness that provides us with a feeding ground for pix and flicks. And here of course is one example, with a crazy-arse pickup truck that’s just a bit over the top. At first glance it might not seem like it, but when you look closer, it’s pretty clear.
So what’s wrong with this seemingly sleek ride? For one, it’s the “pebble effect” or whatever else you might want to call it. What am I referring to? Well, check out the rims for instance. Tons of little beads – they separate the flow and make it look disconnected. And look at that grille guard. Once again, these diamond-beads line the top and bottom (maybe it’s even on the grille itself). But most of all: take a look at the side-view mirrors! WTF?! It’s a friggin guitar head with tuning keys and everything included! So is this a car or a musical instrument? Clearly neither.
Wait – so it’s a video game machine as well? So you’ve got fake instrument side-view mirrors and then fake-instrument game controllers? So what’s the deal here? And is that a television on top there? Cause it definitely looks like it’s the back of a window air conditioning unit that’ll be cooling the front cab of the car. Classy. Oh, and let’s hope that it never starts raining as you’re driving this thing. You know, being practical and all, this ride has 90% of the onboard electronic components exposed to blend with nature. Maybe they’re trying to appeal to the “green” crowd by embracing the outdoors with all that soon-to-be landfill gadgetry.
The New Mercedes US: Ugly Stump
Ladies and gents – so once again we get a chance to make fun of a car by calling it a “toy”. But this time it’s not a usual subject of ridicule – it’s a Mercedes. And yet, calling it a toy is not even a joke – no need to use your imagination, just use your eyes. Check out the “redesigned” stump-variation of the GLK:
What does that remind you of? C’mon. Don’t be shy. Don’t hold it back. You know it. The memories from your childhood. The toy that the cool kid always had. The reason you have to shell out a whole week’s paycheck to make your child a happy camper. That’s right – it’s a life-sized, adult-version, precise-copy of the Fisher-Price Power Wheels car! In fact, it looks to be a very close knock-off of the luxurious Cadillac Escalade:
A Mustang and a Smart Car Sitting in a Tree…
It’s starting to look like there are so many ugly cars out there and so little time to cover them all. We’re thinking that we’ll switch over to a format with even less text so that the visuals can “shine” and speak for themselves. You can use your imagination to ridicule the ugly cars that we expose. Starting with today, which must have included a lot of such imagination just to be able to come up with an incredibly unappealing concoction by cross-mating a mustang with a Smart Car.
Depending on your tastes this picture might be babe-a-licious for you. But definitely independent of your tastes and rather objectively, the ride in the background is just awkward and uncomfortable to look at. It’s one of those cases of stunted growth again. Looks like a dwarfed muscle car. The Smart Car by itself is OK looking and passes overall. The mustang is just a nice-looking car in general. So why ruin both of them at once? Do you have nothing better to do, whoever did this?
At least we all know now what it looks like when you superimpose one of the cars onto the other – Mustang and Smart. But did anyone ask for that? Was anyone actually curious? No! In fact, the result looks like a cheapo home-project. Even reminiscent of communist little cars. Especially the back – where that little ledge just doesn’t make any sense. The true inspiration must be the communist FIat.
The Hummer H3 on Wooden Wheels: Art?
I just don’t get people sometimes. Why in the world would you take a car that’s already ugly and make it even uglier? It’s great for us. We get to showcase the uninteresting Hummer H3 as a car itself and also this specific modified H3 with friggin’ wooden wheels. What’s best of all, they are apparently calling this “art”. I mean I’m no pro or anything at this, but since when did we call “making something incredibly ugly” as equivalent to “art”? And that leads us to the next question: what is the world coming to?
What the heck is going on here? Some are thinking that it’s “baller” and commenting on the “awesomeness” of this. But let’s get real. I don’t care if it’s just for art – it’s clearly impractical. Why in the world would you want to ride on wooden wheels like it’s 1650 if we have put so much money into making whatever tire technology is considered to be the “best” today? But even besides that, take a look at how ugly the Hummer itself is. A simply artless car – without form, without any distinctive presence (except for it’s overly large size), without any appeal. Looks like no inspiration went into this car – except for only maybe the original hummer, which was even uglier than this of course. Like many of the other cars we’ve looked at, including even yesterday’s Mercedes G-class, it’s way too jagged, boxy, cuby, and just too disconnected among the various dimensions. Eww.
If the wheels had some interesting and unique design, if they even had some creative shape, or just some interesting colors, then sure, maybe it could be somehow considered to be “Art”. But what’s so great about this? Simple wood with simple spikes with simple unfinished tree carvings. What’s the big deal? It’s just ugly – and that’s it. The wheels are oversized and the thinness makes them look just ridiculous and out-of-place. Just don’t do this again – ever. Thanks.
The Mercedes G-Class – A Modern German Tank
Oh, the Germans. We just covered another Mercedes two days ago that compromised the German car-marker’s image of “prestige” and “quality”. Now we have another aesthetic failure by Mercedes with the overly-boxy and just way-too-edgy G-class. This seems to be another case of German nostalgia for their military past, like the VW Thing.
The worst thing about the G-class is the geometry. Everything is square-ish and boxy. All the parts are separate. There is no fluidity – no smoothness – no flow. Everything is jagged. The bumper and fenders look like they’re not even fully attached. The hood looks like it’s barely latched onto the car. The headlamps have their own little thing going. Looks like you can just pull out their square housing. And the roof/top? Clearly not even part of the car. You can just pop it off.
Worst of all is that this ugly SUV goes for around 100 grand, which is a crazy amount to pay for something as hideous as this. In fact, you can get a car that looks almost identical for a fraction of the price from India – made by the good people at Tata Motors. Seems to be confirmation that rich people don’t know what to do with their money. It’s even worse when they decide to use their extra cash to litter the roads with some street-legal panzer tank. People, please stop buying this car and let’s just get it out of production! And certainly don’t even think about getting the overly-awkward convertible version which makes this look like the Suzuki X-90:
Tata Nano – The Cheapo Ride For $2500
It’s called the “People’s Car” due to its affordable price. The $2500 price tag also means that it has to be made of components that together cost less than $2500 so that there is at least some type of profit margin on the sales. That also means that you are getting a whole car for the price of a “leather seat upgrade” on a Mercedes. So while you’re driving in this little joke of a car, the guy in the luxury sedan next to you at the red light is farting into a leather seat that costs more than the steering wheel you’re holding, the pedals you’re pressing, the windshield you’re looking through, and the radio you’re listening to – combined.
This car looks like it has a disease that’s bloating and inflating the car from the inside and will make it explode soon. The front hood and windshield are already bulging out beyond standard safety specifications. The thing also came with some type of pre-existing condition that stunted its growth. It looks like a sickly stump, awkwardly underdeveloped. It’s the kid who was tallest in third grade and then stayed the same height for the rest of his life.
It also seems to come in the most vibrant and eye-catching colors possible – such as neon red and sunshine yellow. The car should instead only be made in camouflage patterns to increase the possibility that no one will actually see it as it’s driving down the road. Asphalt grey is also an option. We want to avoid attracting attention to the driver – the poor guy who lets himself see in public in one of these. And check out those wheels. I’m sure that with the low price of that car, new tires will go for about 10 bucks – but if you’re close to a Home Depot or Lowes you can just pop in and pick up a wheelbarrow. In fact, those wheels are made by the same people who supply the wheels for the Tata Nano. Yup, a little known fact – now made public. You’re welcome.
The Mercedes A Class: No Class
What’s worse than a car manufacturer who consistently and repeatedly puts out ugly cars, like Renault for instance, is a maker who usually dominates the aesthetic space by creating beauties but suddenly creates a ridiculously pathetic ride. That’s what we’ve got in front of us with the Mercedes A Class.
Sweet ride, eh? NO! Exactly. What a puny and just awkward car. Looks like you can carry it in your pocket. And what about that flat front? It doesn’t even have the definitions, curves, and lines of an actual car. Clearly this is a failed attempt at some type of “super-compact” car. Sure, there is a demand out there for small cars and they are useful in crowded metropolitan areas. But listen up Mercedes, you have a brand and reputation to uphold. If you can’t produce quality to match the rest of your models, then don’t produce anything at all! Don’t just do it because everyone else is. And with the result that’s in front of us it looks like you just so happened to suddenly decide to create a sub-compact and put the thing together from design to production in 24 hours. No second opinion, no reconsideration, no re-evaluation of the design.
What’s with that up-curve on the back door? What’s with that little pathetic window on the side in the back? This thing is just way misshaped and doesn’t have the right proportions. Any eye that’s not blind could see that right away. A mouse or some other type of rodent comes to mind when looking at this. It’s no surprise a lot of people said that the A Class hurt Mercedes prestige and overall image. Not only is this a design failure but because it’s cheaper it gets into the hands of people who should be driving a Kia and not a Mercedes.
From the back it looks like a van. The big surprise though is that it could actually fit in the trunk of an actual van. And check out the width of those wheels. The advantage is that tire replacements should be cheap if you’ve only got like 3 inches of rubber across. Bad part is that I’d be pretty certain the road-gripping is not that great and the ride can’t be all that smooth either. But what’s completely awesome despite all of this? Clearly it’s the cool visor that finishes off the roof in the back above the window. They were well ahead of the times. The most advanced technology in sun protection and shade creation for your riding comfort. Enjoy.