The New Mercedes US: Ugly Stump
Ladies and gents – so once again we get a chance to make fun of a car by calling it a “toy”. But this time it’s not a usual subject of ridicule – it’s a Mercedes. And yet, calling it a toy is not even a joke – no need to use your imagination, just use your eyes. Check out the “redesigned” stump-variation of the GLK:
What does that remind you of? C’mon. Don’t be shy. Don’t hold it back. You know it. The memories from your childhood. The toy that the cool kid always had. The reason you have to shell out a whole week’s paycheck to make your child a happy camper. That’s right – it’s a life-sized, adult-version, precise-copy of the Fisher-Price Power Wheels car! In fact, it looks to be a very close knock-off of the luxurious Cadillac Escalade:
How to Make an Audi Look Ugly in 3 Steps
You’d think that, overall, Audi’s are ugly-proof cars. In general, this car-maker fits with the German bunch well in terms of appealing aesthetics. But that doesn’t mean that the evil capacity of the average man can’t ruin machine by rendering even a normally attractive Audi into something ludicrous. It seems from our case study at hand that only three steps are required – and this can certainly apply to any car:
- Spray-paint the front of the car. To avoid an even and smooth look, use a sponge to “blot” the wet paint and smear it a bit. You may also use a brush to distribute the paint unevenly.
- Without unfastening any screws, rip off the back bumper. It is preferred that you also remove the front bumper, but just one is also acceptable. Make sure you expose some bare and unfinished metal from underneath so that it gets a good layer of rust. The more the merrier. Oh, and have a friend ram you in the back with their car to give your ride a “rough ‘n tough” look.
- Lastly, replace all four wheels with spare tires. Start with the one at the bottom of the trunk. Make sure that the wheel is smaller than the normal one and that the rims are black. To find extra spare tires in addition to the one supplied with your car, ask friends or relatives if they can “spare” one. It doesn’t matter what car make/model it’s from. Give them your full-size tire in return. And say “thank you”.
The outcome will be an amazingly sa-weet looking car – and so unique that you’re guaranteed to get some looks and stares on the street. Don’t hesitate to rev your engine at the red light to attract some attention – not that you’ll need to work hard to market your ride. Eyes will surely be drawn to your pimped out Audi without any effort on your part. And one last thing: make sure not to wash the car too often. In fact, never would be best. You don’t want to risk scrubbing off some of the spray paint. Trust us on this one.
The Suzuki X-90: A Japanese Nightmare
Check out this little hot-shot. It probably thinks that it can attract the ladies, with its tight frame and rounded figure. Problem is that the ladies don’t have much buying power without the men out there (oh, snap) – and no guy would buy this weird looking ride. We’ll give it to Suzuki that they’ve got some nice bikes, and their ATVs aren’t bad either. But what have they ever done for the car market? Nothing, except for put out these unappealing vehicles that make absolutely no sense design-wise. The Suzuki X-90 is no exception. Too bad it doesn’t have another two X’s in the name – then we could censor it legally.
You can clearly tell that this is a Japanese car just by looking at it. The thing has got that “small” trend that all people, gadgets, and food follow over there. It’s just a little nation with little people. The problem with Suzuki seems to be that they haven’t realized that the rest of the world is different. Toyota, Nissan, Honda, and Mazda all do well because they understand who they’re selling to overseas. Even Mitsubishi gets it. Suzuki seems to still be catering to Japanese clients. I mean, only a “Hello Kitty” fanatic could love the look of this car – and all Hello Kitty fanatics are too young to even sit behind the wheel of a car.
What is this thing? A simple car by design it’s clearly not. You can’t call it an SUV. It seems like it wants to be a Jeep, but isn’t quite there. A van, definitely not. On top of that, it only seats two people. What the heck! Ugly and inconvenient. Sure, you buy a sports car with 2-seat capacity – but not some unidentified riding object that embarrasses you on the streets.
Instead of just turning it into a hatchback and leaving it there, the Suzuki peeps decided to make the back look like the front. It kinda looks like some space-shuttle when you stare at it for a while. That weird “pod” in the middle seems like it’s “forced” (included out of necessity) just to be able to accommodate the vertical space that a person needs. The whole thing just looks misshapen and disproportional. The spoiler doesn’t make it any better. Clearly it serves no function. It’s not like this is a back-wheel-drive racer that needs a good aerodynamic wing to help it grip the road better at high speeds. The sole purpose of that decorative strap in the back is to make it even more ridiculous and imitate your standard radio-controlled car from Toys R Us. Oh, and the great design on the side of the car in this picture: stellar! And the rims? Super quality. Can I get those aftermarket for my ride?
Oh, and did you think that this car couldn’t be made to look any more pathetic? No sir-eee. You are wrong, ma’am. There are freaks out there who not only buy this life-size toy, but they even go out of their way to make it look even more ridiculous and pathetic. Take for instance, the oversized wheels:
By the way, those are standard size 15″ rims. They just look like that on the X-90 because the car is ridiculously small. Some people even think they’re cooler than that, putting the standard-size wheels everywhere. Maybe that’s roll-over protection? Either way, the only oversized thing seems to be sitting inside the car:
Now that’s one tricked out ride. While we strongly disapprove of the above modifications to the Suzuki X-90, we fully and wholeheartedly endorse submerging your uggler in water. In fact, just drive it into a huge body of water to make sure that it’s getting a real good bath. Yeah, baby! Drown! Drown! Drown!
