This thing clearly aims to take cars into a whole new dimension by reversing proportions. Instead of low and wide as most cars are, the Nissan Glider concept is clearly trying to create a trend of narrow and tall – or at least taller than it is wide. We should call it the “fish pucker face” period in car design and quickly ban such proportions.

It sounds like this is just a concept car for now, but let’s all pray and hope that it will never make it into production. There is no reason to make crap if you’re already spending the time and resources to design, plan, and produce something. I wish I were Godzilla and could just pick these little things up all over Japan to right by their basket handle to just throw them into the Ocean.

This seems to be another unfortunate example where function is prioritized over form. We see it all the time with hybrids, where their “greenness” is supposedly a valid excuse for them being completely unappealing. Here with BMW it’s some “leaning” gimmick where the vehicle “curves with the road” on turns. Forget these types of useless “innovations” and focus on sticking with what works. Everyone would agree that BMW doesn’t need to improve much more on their ultimate driving machines. Yet, they feel the need to scare us with some spaceship that has wheels.

The Nissan Cube is one serious uggler. It doesn’t even play off the “bad-ass” vibe like the straight-edged and corner-cut Scion xB. It has this bubbly aspect to it as if trying to be cute. Well, it fails on all angles. And when did Nissan miss one of the central points of human appeal – symmetry? I believe they use that as a guideline for every other model they produce – so why not on the Cube? Probably because they knew it would be doomed to fugly-hell, and so why not pretend like you ‘meant’ to make it completely unattractive in the first place.

I sincerely hope that Nissan Cube owners will become so used to have a full view behind them to the back-right that they forget that there is for some stupid reason an obstruction on the back-left, resulting in careless driving mistakes when backing up and multiple crashes throughout the owner’s lifetime. They’ll be minor enough that nothing will happen to the driver (after all, they’ll be going in reverse), but still of course memorable enough that even those who gave this uggler a try will associate nothing but hate and annoyance with the Cube. Luckily they’re being recalled, but for a small fault. Hopefully soon they will all be recalled for being butt-ugly.

The closest competition to this little uggler that I can think of is the Dyson Upright Super-Sweeping Vacuum Cleaner. After all, take a look at that huge pout in the front. That under-bite grille on the Spyker looks like it could suck my carpet clean and dry in seconds. Even more – the hood looks like it has just the right place to attach the trash-collecting bag. Lucky enough though, at least the backside is nice – not!

What?!? Exactly. Let’s try to understand the thought-process here. This is Ford: a car manufacturer that is in some incredibly deep doo-doo – as is the car industry as a whole. They continue to make cars. With each one, they have an opportunity to create something that will have mass appeal. They can create a car that will look amazing and will cater to the most people possible. That way they could sell more cars, make more money, and be in less of that doo-doo. But what do they do instead? Create a crazy-ugly commercial panel van?!?! What in the world are they thinking! And they wonder why they’re failing?

Now that they’ve made a car to capture the hearts of the 20-person market that this targets, I really do hope that they create another such beaty that will grab the attention of another 20 folks with deep pockets. What a great business model, clearly. And take a look at that thing. It’s got all the boxiness that any eye hates. It looks incredibly cheapo and it even has a useless elevated roof that just completely eliminates all appeal. Don’t agree that the higher roof is useless? Well sure, you would reasonably think that there has to be a purpose to it. In a way, you’re right. They stretched the car vertically and ruined asthetics even more to make sure that they have space for the ever-so-necessary overhead compartment. Who doesn’t want to be like an airplane these days!

But at least it must be comfortable, no? Oh, yes, of course. In fact, just as comfortable as – once again – an airplane (except even less spacious than coach class):

Something about a radical look and radical colors is just a bit too much. It’s either or love-it or hate-it deal with this ride, but most people would doubtlessly lean towards the hate-it crowd. To jaggedy and edgy yet bloated and ‘puffed-up’ at the same time. The headlights are puny and weak, giving off just a cheapo vibe. Who makes the turn signal bigger than the headlight? And just look towards the back at the tail lights – they stick out like some pimple that’s filled with puss. And once again we’ve got the ‘white-top’ look which for some reason is very common on ugly cars, as we’ve seen on the Ford Flex for instance. But if you’re really trying to convince yourself that you like this car, then let’s put it into perspective and make it all relative – just think of the fact that it could (surprisingly) look even worse:

The worst thing about the G-class is the geometry. Everything is square-ish and boxy. All the parts are separate. There is no fluidity – no smoothness – no flow. Everything is jagged. The bumper and fenders look like they’re not even fully attached. The hood looks like it’s barely latched onto the car. The headlamps have their own little thing going. Looks like you can just pull out their square housing. And the roof/top? Clearly not even part of the car. You can just pop it off.

Worst of all is that this ugly SUV goes for around 100 grand, which is a crazy amount to pay for something as hideous as this. In fact, you can get a car that looks almost identical for a fraction of the price from India – made by the good people at Tata Motors. Seems to be confirmation that rich people don’t know what to do with their money. It’s even worse when they decide to use their extra cash to litter the roads with some street-legal panzer tank. People, please stop buying this car and let’s just get it out of production! And certainly don’t even think about getting the overly-awkward convertible version which makes this look like the Suzuki X-90:

This car looks like it has a disease that’s bloating and inflating the car from the inside and will make it explode soon. The front hood and windshield are already bulging out beyond standard safety specifications. The thing also came with some type of pre-existing condition that stunted its growth. It looks like a sickly stump, awkwardly underdeveloped. It’s the kid who was tallest in third grade and then stayed the same height for the rest of his life.

It also seems to come in the most vibrant and eye-catching colors possible – such as neon red and sunshine yellow. The car should instead only be made in camouflage patterns to increase the possibility that no one will actually see it as it’s driving down the road. Asphalt grey is also an option. We want to avoid attracting attention to the driver – the poor guy who lets himself see in public in one of these. And check out those wheels. I’m sure that with the low price of that car, new tires will go for about 10 bucks – but if you’re close to a Home Depot or Lowes you can just pop in and pick up a wheelbarrow. In fact, those wheels are made by the same people who supply the wheels for the Tata Nano. Yup, a little known fact – now made public. You’re welcome.

Sweet ride, eh? NO! Exactly. What a puny and just awkward car. Looks like you can carry it in your pocket. And what about that flat front? It doesn’t even have the definitions, curves, and lines of an actual car. Clearly this is a failed attempt at some type of “super-compact” car. Sure, there is a demand out there for small cars and they are useful in crowded metropolitan areas. But listen up Mercedes, you have a brand and reputation to uphold. If you can’t produce quality to match the rest of your models, then don’t produce anything at all! Don’t just do it because everyone else is. And with the result that’s in front of us it looks like you just so happened to suddenly decide to create a sub-compact and put the thing together from design to production in 24 hours. No second opinion, no reconsideration, no re-evaluation of the design.

What’s with that up-curve on the back door? What’s with that little pathetic window on the side in the back? This thing is just way misshaped and doesn’t have the right proportions. Any eye that’s not blind could see that right away. A mouse or some other type of rodent comes to mind when looking at this. It’s no surprise a lot of people said that the A Class hurt Mercedes prestige and overall image. Not only is this a design failure but because it’s cheaper it gets into the hands of people who should be driving a Kia and not a Mercedes.

From the back it looks like a van. The big surprise though is that it could actually fit in the trunk of an actual van. And check out the width of those wheels. The advantage is that tire replacements should be cheap if you’ve only got like 3 inches of rubber across. Bad part is that I’d be pretty certain the road-gripping is not that great and the ride can’t be all that smooth either. But what’s completely awesome despite all of this? Clearly it’s the cool visor that finishes off the roof in the back above the window. They were well ahead of the times. The most advanced technology in sun protection and shade creation for your riding comfort. Enjoy.

We should be thanking whatever ‘overseer’ we believe in that this is just a concept car. At the same time, we should be praying to the same fella or lady that his never make it into production. Sure, metallic light-green is a nice color and all. But that’s it – if anything. Even worse, many people have blamed Chrysler (the makers of Jeep and this car – yup, the Chrylser that has gone downhill and is clearly not doing better as we can see) for just blatantly and outright-ly copying this car from the video game Halo. So not only is it ugly, but they didn’t even come up with it themselves! If you’re going to copy something anyway, why not make sure your tracing something S.I.C.K. like the Aston Martin One-77. Leave it up to Chrysler/Jeep though to really mess up. Just look at those puny headlights. Like a little creature just looking straight ahead, staring aimlessly, looking clueless. No conviction in that expression at all.

And check out that overly-rounded buttocks. Once again this is that type of example of a car where you wouldn’t know if you’re looking at the front or the back of it were it not for (of course) the position of the steering wheel and the color of the lights. Rounded like that is way out of style. And what are those compartments in the back? What are they holding? Looks like they’re buckets or something. What is this? A car to drive around and water plants? Is this another one of those attempts at making an enviro-mobile? No wonder! That might explain its ugliness. (Just go with this excuse, Jeepo)

Now let’s not get started on the “safety” aspect of this ride. Does it look like there is a roof option? Nope. You’ve gotta deal with it. Wanna ride it in the rain? Well, hopefully you like water. And water at high velocity at that – right in your face. In fact, forget water and rain. Take it out for a spin in any weather on any day, and with that 3-inch-tall windshield you’ll be sure to get some bugs smashed right into your face. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll get some flying insect right in your nose – and with the speed at which it will be traveling it could very well penetrate your brain membrane, rendering you dead, paralyzed, or incoherent for the rest of your life. Enjoy! Oh, and do you like it when your leg dangles freely in the open air? Well no problem! They’ve got you covered. Just put it through the half-door with the big gaping hole and you’ve got yourself a vacation.

You can clearly tell that this is a Japanese car just by looking at it. The thing has got that “small” trend that all people, gadgets, and food follow over there. It’s just a little nation with little people. The problem with Suzuki seems to be that they haven’t realized that the rest of the world is different. Toyota, Nissan, Honda, and Mazda all do well because they understand who they’re selling to overseas. Even Mitsubishi gets it. Suzuki seems to still be catering to Japanese clients. I mean, only a “Hello Kitty” fanatic could love the look of this car – and all Hello Kitty fanatics are too young to even sit behind the wheel of a car.

What is this thing? A simple car by design it’s clearly not. You can’t call it an SUV. It seems like it wants to be a Jeep, but isn’t quite there. A van, definitely not. On top of that, it only seats two people. What the heck! Ugly and inconvenient. Sure, you buy a sports car with 2-seat capacity – but not some unidentified riding object that embarrasses you on the streets.

Instead of just turning it into a hatchback and leaving it there, the Suzuki peeps decided to make the back look like the front. It kinda looks like some space-shuttle when you stare at it for a while. That weird “pod” in the middle seems like it’s “forced” (included out of necessity) just to be able to accommodate the vertical space that a person needs. The whole thing just looks misshapen and disproportional. The spoiler doesn’t make it any better. Clearly it serves no function. It’s not like this is a back-wheel-drive racer that needs a good aerodynamic wing to help it grip the road better at high speeds. The sole purpose of that decorative strap in the back is to make it even more ridiculous and imitate your standard radio-controlled car from Toys R Us. Oh, and the great design on the side of the car in this picture: stellar! And the rims? Super quality. Can I get those aftermarket for my ride?

Oh, and did you think that this car couldn’t be made to look any more pathetic? No sir-eee. You are wrong, ma’am. There are freaks out there who not only buy this life-size toy, but they even go out of their way to make it look even more ridiculous and pathetic. Take for instance, the oversized wheels:

By the way, those are standard size 15″ rims. They just look like that on the X-90 because the car is ridiculously small. Some people even think they’re cooler than that, putting the standard-size wheels everywhere. Maybe that’s roll-over protection? Either way, the only oversized thing seems to be sitting inside the car:

Now that’s one tricked out ride. While we strongly disapprove of the above modifications to the Suzuki X-90, we fully and wholeheartedly endorse submerging your uggler in water. In fact, just drive it into a huge body of water to make sure that it’s getting a real good bath. Yeah, baby! Drown! Drown! Drown!

Looking at the front, you all should be trained enough by now to notice the immediate mistake numero uno: mixing ugly and plain black plastic with nice ‘n shiny metal chassis. That’s a big no-no. Exposed plastic like that on a car should translate into “don’t do it” in any language, even the French one. Aside from that, it’s got that huge windshield, incredibly steep slant, and weak/rounded headlights. It looks like a helpless little mouse scouring for cheese – with big eyes to suggests its innocence and vulnerability. Who the heck wants a damn cargo van that looks too wussy for a soccer mom to drive? Its face is way to “smiley” and all happy. The out-bulging that the black plastic bumper is sporting is also not a good look. It creates another one of those “underbite” effects.

Now what comes to mind when you see the back? Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Precisely. Once again, here we go with the plastic. Didn’t the Honda Element teach car-makers anything. It wasn’t voted ugliest car all over the place for nothing. Why invite yourself into the same category? The Renault Trafic makes it even worse by pretending that it’s got some grandiose “columns” like an expensive bed headboard. I guess they do want you to sleep in it. Even worse though, this back view exposes the uber-boxy nature of this van. That’s just hideous from all sides. And check out that slight bump above the seating-cabin toward the front. Is that a design thing or does it serve a function during roll-overs? By itself it just looks like the car already has a bump from a roll-over. And just when you thought that all hope is lost…you’re right. They could have at least done something neutral with the rims. But no! They thought, why not include the cheapest possible kind of rims that we can get past quality control. Weak, crappy, thin metal. That’s all we’ll do for ya. After all, what can you expect? It’s not like the best rims out there could make up for the rest of that beast.

From the front, the car doesn’t look all awesome and amazing, but it could fly. Typical and plain, but it doesn’t necessarily kill your eyes when looking at it. Sure, why extend the headlights toward the center with some ugly black plastic? Why not just let the metal hood wrap fully around the lamps, which are rather nicely contoured and have that “aggressively slanted” look that people tend to like? Who knows. But it must have something to do with the fact that the rest of the car is incredibly ugly, so they probably couldn’t leave too much of a contrast with a front that would otherwise be just fine.

Now will you just look at that ass! Damn! If this were a woman, and you were a back-lovin’ man, then we’d agree that this is one booty-licious ride. We all know that Sir Mix-a-Lot loved big butts and he couldn’t lie, and we can’t deny that when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist…

But who knew that the French, with their butter and croissant loving habits, all happy on their wine-and-cheese diets, were so fond of large behinds? Did they decide to target the American hoods with this ride after getting a rough (and clearly butchered) translation of Mix-a-Lot’s famous song? This car look way deformed. That thing in the back is bigger than the hood on some other cars out there. This little Renault is sporting a tumor that’s been overlooked for quite some time – having grown to such proportions that you’re not sure where the front of the car is. If you can’t really tell how unappealing this bump in the back is, here is another perspective:

Who would guess that this is the back of the car, just by looking at that picture? Hardly anyone (although the wiper, window, wheel trim, and bumpers kinda give it away…). It makes the car look blatantly awkward. Like it’s bloated and needs some serious relief – or medical care. What’s the purpose of it anyway? Clearly can’t be aesthetic (although maybe for the French it is). And it can’t serve much of a “space adding” function since you’ve only got some extra clearance horizontally on the bottom of the trunk. We should all be grateful that Renault is not sold in the United States. We would all be worse off.