Nissan Glider Concept Car
And once again it looks like manufacturers are trying to follow each other on stupid silly trends that do nothing but create ugly cars for our roads. BMW is toying with a “leaning car” concept called simply SIMPLE, and here we see Nissan going for the same “feature” although while also following the misjudgments on design that had them make the Nissan Cube. If this whole leaning trend continues I will personally start a worldwide club of road-protectors whose time will be solely devoted to leaning-car-tipping. Experienced cow-tippers will be the first to get membership.
This thing clearly aims to take cars into a whole new dimension by reversing proportions. Instead of low and wide as most cars are, the Nissan Glider concept is clearly trying to create a trend of narrow and tall – or at least taller than it is wide. We should call it the “fish pucker face” period in car design and quickly ban such proportions.
Daihatsu Picnic Basket
What the heck is this ridiculous-looking thing? The Japanese are just crazy sometimes. Sure they make some of the best, most durable, well-performing cars out there. In fact, most of them look just fine. But why do they suddenly have to make themselves the strange culture again as with their Manga weirdness and be planning production of something that genuinely looks like a picnic basket – hence very aptly named at least?
It sounds like this is just a concept car for now, but let’s all pray and hope that it will never make it into production. There is no reason to make crap if you’re already spending the time and resources to design, plan, and produce something. I wish I were Godzilla and could just pick these little things up all over Japan to right by their basket handle to just throw them into the Ocean.
BMW SIMPLE Leaning Concept Vehicle
It’s painful to see manufacturers that usually create nothing but beauties make something appalling – or even think of making something that clearly doesn’t align with their usually good taste. Poor Mercedes has done it several times: with the A-Class, the G-Class, and the SLA Concept. Yet we rarely see BMW make sure a huge mistake. They’re only thinking about it for now with their SIMPLE concept, but the decision should also be simple in the end – NOT to actually mass-produce it.
This seems to be another unfortunate example where function is prioritized over form. We see it all the time with hybrids, where their “greenness” is supposedly a valid excuse for them being completely unappealing. Here with BMW it’s some “leaning” gimmick where the vehicle “curves with the road” on turns. Forget these types of useless “innovations” and focus on sticking with what works. Everyone would agree that BMW doesn’t need to improve much more on their ultimate driving machines. Yet, they feel the need to scare us with some spaceship that has wheels.
The Spyker D12 SSUV
The closest competition to this little uggler that I can think of is the Dyson Upright Super-Sweeping Vacuum Cleaner. After all, take a look at that huge pout in the front. That under-bite grille on the Spyker looks like it could suck my carpet clean and dry in seconds. Even more – the hood looks like it has just the right place to attach the trash-collecting bag. Lucky enough though, at least the backside is nice – not!
Mercedes Benz SLA Concept
This isn’t one of the newer concept cars, which is good – because it means that it luckily didn’t make it out there onto the roads. But it still gives you some insight into what the heck people are thinking when they try to come up with a design.
Kudos to whomever pulled the plug on this before it made its way into production. Just making a concept car was a waste of time and resources though. If you look at the car and just take away the Mercedes emblem from front-center, you would never ever guess that this could be a Benz. It looks like some failed attempt by some cheap Korean brand to make a sports car (or at least something that looks like it). What’s the deal with that grid on top of the hood? Is it so that people can peek in? That looks like those crates that line the ceilings of rooms with fluorescent light bulbs/tubes.
Oh golly – and I hope that the suitcase there is included for free. Of course I’d like to let everyone know that I don’t have enough trunk-space to hold my groceries. C’mon now – there’s clearly a good reason for it. I cross the border a lot and I’d like to speed it up by making clear that I couldn’t be hiding anything. A body wouldn’t fit in there if I can’t even get a suitcase in, and clearly no smugglers would hire me since that load would be too puny for them. So let me go.
The WAY Too Tricked-Out Pickup Truck
Communities of car enthusiasts host occasional meets-and-greets to showcase their rides, and oftentimes it’s a hit-or-miss outcome. The hits can be sweet rides, and the misses can be a great source of ridiculousness that provides us with a feeding ground for pix and flicks. And here of course is one example, with a crazy-arse pickup truck that’s just a bit over the top. At first glance it might not seem like it, but when you look closer, it’s pretty clear.
So what’s wrong with this seemingly sleek ride? For one, it’s the “pebble effect” or whatever else you might want to call it. What am I referring to? Well, check out the rims for instance. Tons of little beads – they separate the flow and make it look disconnected. And look at that grille guard. Once again, these diamond-beads line the top and bottom (maybe it’s even on the grille itself). But most of all: take a look at the side-view mirrors! WTF?! It’s a friggin guitar head with tuning keys and everything included! So is this a car or a musical instrument? Clearly neither.
Wait – so it’s a video game machine as well? So you’ve got fake instrument side-view mirrors and then fake-instrument game controllers? So what’s the deal here? And is that a television on top there? Cause it definitely looks like it’s the back of a window air conditioning unit that’ll be cooling the front cab of the car. Classy. Oh, and let’s hope that it never starts raining as you’re driving this thing. You know, being practical and all, this ride has 90% of the onboard electronic components exposed to blend with nature. Maybe they’re trying to appeal to the “green” crowd by embracing the outdoors with all that soon-to-be landfill gadgetry.
The New Mercedes US: Ugly Stump
Ladies and gents – so once again we get a chance to make fun of a car by calling it a “toy”. But this time it’s not a usual subject of ridicule – it’s a Mercedes. And yet, calling it a toy is not even a joke – no need to use your imagination, just use your eyes. Check out the “redesigned” stump-variation of the GLK:
What does that remind you of? C’mon. Don’t be shy. Don’t hold it back. You know it. The memories from your childhood. The toy that the cool kid always had. The reason you have to shell out a whole week’s paycheck to make your child a happy camper. That’s right – it’s a life-sized, adult-version, precise-copy of the Fisher-Price Power Wheels car! In fact, it looks to be a very close knock-off of the luxurious Cadillac Escalade:
The Suppository Racer
OK – so there is really not much to say for this one. It’s one of those that you just have to look at one and you already know what everyone’s thinking. Specifically, this lil’ racer looks like it will drive right up your poopshoot, hopefully leaving the wheels behind as it slides into a rectum like your common medical suppository.
Sure, it’s nice and all that someone built this from scratch and put a lot of work into it. But can you just imagine how that same time could have been used for something much more productive? Heck, if you like cars that much, go get yourself a crapper from the salvage yard for $200 and rebuild the thing. That’s fun now – not building some type of torpedo rocket on wheels. Even better, you could have done some good for society (instead of hurting our eyes) – even saving a couple puppies at the shelter. Next time, get on that. Kthxbye.
The Full Plastic Jeep Renegade Concept “Car”
While ridiculing many of the other cars, we’ve joked that they look like “toys” or “Fisher-Price” products. The goal was to make fun of their designs by suggesting how they “could” be viewed as objects for kids to play with. That was all for good times. This time, however, we’re not joking. This is full-out serious: The Jeep Renegade Concept vehicle looks positively and absolutely like a children’s toy. Looking at it, you just want to put your hand on it and push it across the window sill while making a “wrooom” noise.
We should be thanking whatever ‘overseer’ we believe in that this is just a concept car. At the same time, we should be praying to the same fella or lady that his never make it into production. Sure, metallic light-green is a nice color and all. But that’s it – if anything. Even worse, many people have blamed Chrysler (the makers of Jeep and this car – yup, the Chrylser that has gone downhill and is clearly not doing better as we can see) for just blatantly and outright-ly copying this car from the video game Halo. So not only is it ugly, but they didn’t even come up with it themselves! If you’re going to copy something anyway, why not make sure your tracing something S.I.C.K. like the Aston Martin One-77. Leave it up to Chrysler/Jeep though to really mess up. Just look at those puny headlights. Like a little creature just looking straight ahead, staring aimlessly, looking clueless. No conviction in that expression at all.
And check out that overly-rounded buttocks. Once again this is that type of example of a car where you wouldn’t know if you’re looking at the front or the back of it were it not for (of course) the position of the steering wheel and the color of the lights. Rounded like that is way out of style. And what are those compartments in the back? What are they holding? Looks like they’re buckets or something. What is this? A car to drive around and water plants? Is this another one of those attempts at making an enviro-mobile? No wonder! That might explain its ugliness. (Just go with this excuse, Jeepo)
Now let’s not get started on the “safety” aspect of this ride. Does it look like there is a roof option? Nope. You’ve gotta deal with it. Wanna ride it in the rain? Well, hopefully you like water. And water at high velocity at that – right in your face. In fact, forget water and rain. Take it out for a spin in any weather on any day, and with that 3-inch-tall windshield you’ll be sure to get some bugs smashed right into your face. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll get some flying insect right in your nose – and with the speed at which it will be traveling it could very well penetrate your brain membrane, rendering you dead, paralyzed, or incoherent for the rest of your life. Enjoy! Oh, and do you like it when your leg dangles freely in the open air? Well no problem! They’ve got you covered. Just put it through the half-door with the big gaping hole and you’ve got yourself a vacation.
The MDI AirPod: I’d Rather Be Walking With My iPod
Why? That's all. Just tell me why?!?!
What the hell is this? No, seriously! What. The. Hell. Is. This. Are you kidding me? Never mind about all the other ugly cars out there. This makes them look amazing. This thing makes the Prius look like a supercar and the PT “Pity” Cruiser like a “Sexiest Car of the Year” winner.
This was “designed” by MDI, which seems to be French (at least the main site is in French). An open question to these French designers: why would you give the world even more reason to hate the French? Do you hate yourselves? Maybe you’re a group of ex-homeless people who found a pen on the street and stole some napkins from the local croissant shop, and thought that you’d get back at the nation that rendered you without a roof by opening them up for ridicule? If so, then you’re genius!
It’s impossible to understand what got into these people’s heads. I’m certain now that croissants are unhealthy. They clearly mess you up. I don’t know if it’s the vision that got affected or mental state, but whichever it is, I want none of it. Luckily from what it seems this is just a concept car for now, but it’s already waaaay too far into the process just as a concept car. In fact, France might already be busting out some of them onto the streets over there. And it wouldn’t be a surprise if it gets into full-scale production though, since it looks like Tata Motors of India materializes some of the MDI designs – and they already have several hideous-looking kid-mobiles such as the Nano. And if they’ve already got the “Nano” it just seems logical to continue with the Apple name knock-offs to start producing the AirPod – probably soon to be known as just the aPod. If this really makes it out there then I will personally start fund-raising to sponsor a huge multi-national demolition derby where we will have all Nano’s against all aPod’s, and then switch the rules mid-game to make it “every man for himself.” The winner will get a new car, and we’ll blow up the remaining Nano or aPod as the grand finale. I can already see the success of the event. All proceeds will go toward curing the side-effects of croissant consumption.
The AirPod apparently claims to have some super-nifty technology or mechanism by which it can run on compressed air. This makes it a “clean” car that’s “environmentally friendly” and all that crap. What it actually does though is just prove and reaffirm that the new “green revolution” in cars will be a central feeding-ground for FuglyRides.com and for general ridicule worldwide. All of the “green cars” that have been designed so far have been unacceptably and uncomfortably ugly, except for maybe a couple like the Tesla motors models. As for the AirPod, it’s even an exception among that crowd. Simply put, it might be the definition of fugly. I don’t care if it’s “clean” or any of that. I don’t care if it doesn’t pollute and has no gas emissions. I don’t care if it farts out cancer-curing particles as it drives. The options we face here are either to: a) become clean and make the world a better place, populating it even more as health increases; or b) keep the world as it is, with population in check and possibly decreasing as pollution increases. Sure, option (a) would be dandy, but it comes packaged together with fugly things and a full disrespect for aesthetics such as the existence of green cars like the AirPod, whereas option (b) might not be all too great in the long-term but at least it involves a lot of good-looking and “sexy” aspects that make Earth look like a dope place to be from a “yo, that’s cool” perspective for any outside “Alienz” that might be looking on with envy. Option (b) is clearly the way to go. The only redeeming feature about the AirPod is that it seems to have a pretty sweet tint job. That’s not enough though.