East German Trabi Traban – in NEON PINK!
Here is another East-German lovely. Funny enough, it looks to be not far off in design from our previously posted Wartburg. Maybe they were all like-minded over there. Oh wait, they were forced to be like-minded during communism – so it would be no surprise if that transcended into every dimension of life, including design. Maybe it was because tastes were the same? Either way, this thingy might have been able to pick up the ladies in its day – but in neon pink?! This dude must have been ultra-desperate. I hope it worked for him – cause I’m sure his ‘bros’ definitely must have alienated him after he got that paint job.
Wartburg 353 Rusty Multicolored
Here is a non-classic and non-classy wanna-be classy classic. Straight from the source of its own motherland in East Germany, the Wartburg 353 is aptly names – as it’s just as appealing as a wart. In fact, funny enough, multi-colored warts are even more infected and bothersome than just continuous single-colored warts. Who wouldn’t want a nice “sky-and-clouds” themed (Wart)burg in their garage?!
Toyota FJ Cruiser, Eye Bruiser
Here we’ve got an ugly ride by the same great people that brought you everyone’s favorite “Saved by Zero” commercial – which in fact features the oh-so-stunning FJ Cruiser. Truth is that the commercial is as repelling as the looks of the weird-looking eye-bruiser.
Something about a radical look and radical colors is just a bit too much. It’s either or love-it or hate-it deal with this ride, but most people would doubtlessly lean towards the hate-it crowd. To jaggedy and edgy yet bloated and ‘puffed-up’ at the same time. The headlights are puny and weak, giving off just a cheapo vibe. Who makes the turn signal bigger than the headlight? And just look towards the back at the tail lights – they stick out like some pimple that’s filled with puss. And once again we’ve got the ‘white-top’ look which for some reason is very common on ugly cars, as we’ve seen on the Ford Flex for instance. But if you’re really trying to convince yourself that you like this car, then let’s put it into perspective and make it all relative – just think of the fact that it could (surprisingly) look even worse:
The Full Plastic Jeep Renegade Concept “Car”
While ridiculing many of the other cars, we’ve joked that they look like “toys” or “Fisher-Price” products. The goal was to make fun of their designs by suggesting how they “could” be viewed as objects for kids to play with. That was all for good times. This time, however, we’re not joking. This is full-out serious: The Jeep Renegade Concept vehicle looks positively and absolutely like a children’s toy. Looking at it, you just want to put your hand on it and push it across the window sill while making a “wrooom” noise.
We should be thanking whatever ‘overseer’ we believe in that this is just a concept car. At the same time, we should be praying to the same fella or lady that his never make it into production. Sure, metallic light-green is a nice color and all. But that’s it – if anything. Even worse, many people have blamed Chrysler (the makers of Jeep and this car – yup, the Chrylser that has gone downhill and is clearly not doing better as we can see) for just blatantly and outright-ly copying this car from the video game Halo. So not only is it ugly, but they didn’t even come up with it themselves! If you’re going to copy something anyway, why not make sure your tracing something S.I.C.K. like the Aston Martin One-77. Leave it up to Chrysler/Jeep though to really mess up. Just look at those puny headlights. Like a little creature just looking straight ahead, staring aimlessly, looking clueless. No conviction in that expression at all.
And check out that overly-rounded buttocks. Once again this is that type of example of a car where you wouldn’t know if you’re looking at the front or the back of it were it not for (of course) the position of the steering wheel and the color of the lights. Rounded like that is way out of style. And what are those compartments in the back? What are they holding? Looks like they’re buckets or something. What is this? A car to drive around and water plants? Is this another one of those attempts at making an enviro-mobile? No wonder! That might explain its ugliness. (Just go with this excuse, Jeepo)
Now let’s not get started on the “safety” aspect of this ride. Does it look like there is a roof option? Nope. You’ve gotta deal with it. Wanna ride it in the rain? Well, hopefully you like water. And water at high velocity at that – right in your face. In fact, forget water and rain. Take it out for a spin in any weather on any day, and with that 3-inch-tall windshield you’ll be sure to get some bugs smashed right into your face. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll get some flying insect right in your nose – and with the speed at which it will be traveling it could very well penetrate your brain membrane, rendering you dead, paralyzed, or incoherent for the rest of your life. Enjoy! Oh, and do you like it when your leg dangles freely in the open air? Well no problem! They’ve got you covered. Just put it through the half-door with the big gaping hole and you’ve got yourself a vacation.
The Suzuki X-90: A Japanese Nightmare
Check out this little hot-shot. It probably thinks that it can attract the ladies, with its tight frame and rounded figure. Problem is that the ladies don’t have much buying power without the men out there (oh, snap) – and no guy would buy this weird looking ride. We’ll give it to Suzuki that they’ve got some nice bikes, and their ATVs aren’t bad either. But what have they ever done for the car market? Nothing, except for put out these unappealing vehicles that make absolutely no sense design-wise. The Suzuki X-90 is no exception. Too bad it doesn’t have another two X’s in the name – then we could censor it legally.
You can clearly tell that this is a Japanese car just by looking at it. The thing has got that “small” trend that all people, gadgets, and food follow over there. It’s just a little nation with little people. The problem with Suzuki seems to be that they haven’t realized that the rest of the world is different. Toyota, Nissan, Honda, and Mazda all do well because they understand who they’re selling to overseas. Even Mitsubishi gets it. Suzuki seems to still be catering to Japanese clients. I mean, only a “Hello Kitty” fanatic could love the look of this car – and all Hello Kitty fanatics are too young to even sit behind the wheel of a car.
What is this thing? A simple car by design it’s clearly not. You can’t call it an SUV. It seems like it wants to be a Jeep, but isn’t quite there. A van, definitely not. On top of that, it only seats two people. What the heck! Ugly and inconvenient. Sure, you buy a sports car with 2-seat capacity – but not some unidentified riding object that embarrasses you on the streets.
Instead of just turning it into a hatchback and leaving it there, the Suzuki peeps decided to make the back look like the front. It kinda looks like some space-shuttle when you stare at it for a while. That weird “pod” in the middle seems like it’s “forced” (included out of necessity) just to be able to accommodate the vertical space that a person needs. The whole thing just looks misshapen and disproportional. The spoiler doesn’t make it any better. Clearly it serves no function. It’s not like this is a back-wheel-drive racer that needs a good aerodynamic wing to help it grip the road better at high speeds. The sole purpose of that decorative strap in the back is to make it even more ridiculous and imitate your standard radio-controlled car from Toys R Us. Oh, and the great design on the side of the car in this picture: stellar! And the rims? Super quality. Can I get those aftermarket for my ride?
Oh, and did you think that this car couldn’t be made to look any more pathetic? No sir-eee. You are wrong, ma’am. There are freaks out there who not only buy this life-size toy, but they even go out of their way to make it look even more ridiculous and pathetic. Take for instance, the oversized wheels:
By the way, those are standard size 15″ rims. They just look like that on the X-90 because the car is ridiculously small. Some people even think they’re cooler than that, putting the standard-size wheels everywhere. Maybe that’s roll-over protection? Either way, the only oversized thing seems to be sitting inside the car:
Now that’s one tricked out ride. While we strongly disapprove of the above modifications to the Suzuki X-90, we fully and wholeheartedly endorse submerging your uggler in water. In fact, just drive it into a huge body of water to make sure that it’s getting a real good bath. Yeah, baby! Drown! Drown! Drown!
Renault Trafic Panel Van
Today, Jalopnik.com ‘made a funny’ by featuring cars in which you could live once your house gets repossessed. So we thought why make a new theme for the day – let’s just continue on what’s already been made popular. We’d like to add our own little (or rather, big) fugly ride to the list, which would also potentially serve as lodging if necessary. Yet I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone to drive in this thing, let alone sleep in it. We will go ahead and also call this a FuglyRides.com original production (to some extent) because we have our own pictures of it – just like we were able to originally deliver images of the communist van from last week. Today we look at the horrendously boxy Renault Trafic Panel Van. Yup, it is indeed another Renault, which gives the French a back-to-back double feature. Aptly named, this van undoubtedly stops all traffic within sight as drivers all around lament the contamination of our roads.
Looking at the front, you all should be trained enough by now to notice the immediate mistake numero uno: mixing ugly and plain black plastic with nice ‘n shiny metal chassis. That’s a big no-no. Exposed plastic like that on a car should translate into “don’t do it” in any language, even the French one. Aside from that, it’s got that huge windshield, incredibly steep slant, and weak/rounded headlights. It looks like a helpless little mouse scouring for cheese – with big eyes to suggests its innocence and vulnerability. Who the heck wants a damn cargo van that looks too wussy for a soccer mom to drive? Its face is way to “smiley” and all happy. The out-bulging that the black plastic bumper is sporting is also not a good look. It creates another one of those “underbite” effects.
Now what comes to mind when you see the back? Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Precisely. Once again, here we go with the plastic. Didn’t the Honda Element teach car-makers anything. It wasn’t voted ugliest car all over the place for nothing. Why invite yourself into the same category? The Renault Trafic makes it even worse by pretending that it’s got some grandiose “columns” like an expensive bed headboard. I guess they do want you to sleep in it. Even worse though, this back view exposes the uber-boxy nature of this van. That’s just hideous from all sides. And check out that slight bump above the seating-cabin toward the front. Is that a design thing or does it serve a function during roll-overs? By itself it just looks like the car already has a bump from a roll-over. And just when you thought that all hope is lost…you’re right. They could have at least done something neutral with the rims. But no! They thought, why not include the cheapest possible kind of rims that we can get past quality control. Weak, crappy, thin metal. That’s all we’ll do for ya. After all, what can you expect? It’s not like the best rims out there could make up for the rest of that beast.
The Communist Pick-up Truck: Live from Poland
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, loyal readers and disloyal readers, randos who ended up here while exploring the inter-connectedness of the interwebs aimlessly, and pedophiles who misunderstood what this site is about: we present to you the first FuglyRides.com original production. Featured today is an unknown-brand and unknown-model communist-era pickup-style truck shot LIVE! in Poland. This sexy two-axle roller was spotted while members of the FuglyRides team were vacationing in the post-soviet satellite-state only several months ago. This all-rights-released original photography was done with our professional snap-shooting equipment, which is comprised of a larger-than-pocket-size 2.1 megapixel super-cam from 1999. And don’t you dare criticize our “amateur” equipment! Back in the day this sleek point-and-shoot machine was top-of-the-line and a serious wallet-buster at the prices back then. No question about it that we’re a professional outfit.
But take a look at this rugged vehicle. It introduces a new category into the site that features old rides. Anything that has made it from mere paper into the actual physical world is fair game. Of course it has to be fugly, but there is no shortage of that here.
Ford F-150 and Dodge Ram, move over. Despite its humble roots in the USSR and its classification as an almost-extinct species, some modern car maker will no doubt pick this up and redesign it for new, mainstream production. I mean you would be stupid not to. Take at it, Detroit! Lead the world with another “great idea” of yours. Why should it be revitalized? Well, let’s just appreciate the beauty and craft that went into this truck even so many years ago. What happened with the super-idea of having rims match the tires? Why did we start making rims in clashing colors? Tires clearly never were made in various colors, so why not just leave it matching? This surely makes no sense. Look at the uniform and calm beauty of those wheels. We wouldn’t have to worry about keeping the rims clean. Today, when the rim matches the tire, we know that the owner has been neglecting his car and failing to have his 4-year old wash the rims with a toothbrush or having his dog lick off all the dust after smearing the rims with bacon-lard. We forgot the good old days where it all didn’t matter, since everything was just plain black. Ah, do we miss the old times… (not!)
And check out the geometry of that pick-up truck. You think you’ve started a new revolution with your boxes and cubes – Scion, Ford, and Honda? Oh you have not! You blatantly copied the brilliant concept from the red-hats to the East. You should be ashamed. But at least this makes it clear why it was indeed such a “great idea” after all. And another feature to note on this Soviet car is the careful selection of colors. While the cab in front is a light yet powerful green, the back is a communist yet dull red. Oh do we wish the mud flaps in the back were a sunny yellow to round it all out. Yet we can’t have everything. But this makes you think. Did they not have enough of one color rationed during communism to finish the full car? Was the amount per color that was shipped over to the factory just enough for the respective halves of the car? Only by the time one truck was sold did another can of each color come in? Of course we can only speculate. But to give them the benefit of the doubt, we would be best to assume that the makers of this F-150-killer truck were well ahead of the times and used different colors on purpose. Only now do we see “smart manufacturers” reviving the trend, such as with the black plastic panels on the Honda Element and the white roof on the Ford Flex. At least we now know that they took their ideas from an excellent source of inspiration.
What makes this crappo-truck such a contender for new best pick-up in its class is undoubtedly the cargo space. Just take a look at that ingenious use of vertical space. I mean c’mon Ford, Dodge, Toyota, and all the other pick-up producers out there. Don’t you realize you can make those walls in the back higher and let people fit more stuff? Just imagine the possibilities. Anyone could be filling up their bed with oranges during their trip to the Sunshine State, with peaches on their way through Georgia, or ping-pong balls to deliver to bored college kids. And imagine the possibilities for landscaping companies. Can you even comprehend how many more Mexicans would fit in the back without the risk of having them fall out on turns?! Get on it people, and start exploiting that vertical space which is so endless. If you’re going to copy some of the exemplary features of this truck, make sure you copy them all!
And you ride on, little truck! Roam the streets of Poland and explore your roots. You must have been a true pimp-wagon back in your day. I’m sure that there is even more to your beauty than is visible on the outside. It’s the MPG that counts.
The Honda Element: Mostly Plastic and Not Ashamed
That's not just a different color. That's plastic!
Oh, Honda Element. Why art thou so ugly? Cause you sure are one heck of a butt-ugly car. One thing that I can appreciate about the people who made the Element is that they clearly had the guts to reveal that their new ride is mostly made of plastic. Never mind the fact that blatantly showing off the plastic trim around the front, wheels, side, back, etc. is just really unpleasant to look at. Forget that. What’s even better is that from a safety perspective, plastic really seems like it might not do a whole lot. Now of course the main-frame and cage are what’s important, and the rest of the chassis is just for show. Sure, all cars have plastic, especially for the front and rear bumpers. But c’mon – do you have to make it this obvious? Why advertise that the almost 20-thousand bucks you want people to spend will go towards buying unpainted plastic? At least the other folks out there making rides, whether they’re nice or ugly, put some effort into flushing the whole body exterior and matching all components so that it all looks nice and uniform. Not the Honda Element though. No, sir. They’ll make sure you know that the Polyethylene terephthalate from all the plastic water bottles that people so nicely recycle goes right into providing some nicely clashing decorative panels all around your brand-spankin’-new SUV. All you green party environmental freaks out there: this is for you. Go wild!
The newer generation of the Element (it’s still in production?! yeah, that’s what I was thinking!) seems to have caught on and remedied that problem at least. They’re now making it nice and flush on all parts of the car – “finally” following the “trend” that’s been around since the Model T came out. They still kept the roof in the same plastic design. But hey, you can’t have it all, right? That’s why the Element is still with us here on the fugly list. Yet it’s clearly not just that. What else is there? Well, let’s see. There seems to be a trend here. Look at the Ford Flex, the Scion xB, and the Element. What do they have in common? They all have zero curvature, simply made of several slabs of flat components welded/joined together in a simple box shape. The reason for this continued cube-movement must be that costs are lower in production. What else could explain the continued drive against aesthetics except for money. Money is always to blame in situations like these. The Element makes it all even worse though, because it’s so much bigger and wider and taller – which just makes it so much more boxy and cube-y. And then there are those suicide doors which just makes it all that much more tacky. If a sweet ride had these butterfly-type doors, then it would just make it even that much more “cool” – but for the hippies driving the Element, it just makes them look that much more clueless and disconnected with the society around them.
Even if you’ve gotten used to seeing this car on the road and have become fully habituated, not really analyzing its ugliness much anymore, you have to admit, whether you like it or not, that when you first laid eyes on this car you threw up in your mouth a little bit. Yea, it happened to all of us. The only way we can forgive the Honda team that worked on this is to blame it on the inevitable effect of habituation as they were exposed to the car repeatedly at every step of the design. They must have been rendered immune to its unattractiveness. At least they named it the Element through, clearly and undoubtedly referring to “The Elements” as in “inclement and severe weather” – and thus “undesirable” – reflecting their own subconscious disgust for this abomination.
