The Ford Kidnapping Van
What’s the easiest way to fall into the attention of that nearby police cruiser? Simply drive the standard-issue kidnap van made by Ford and popularized by mobs, gangs, and criminals worldwide (and by worldwide we mean America):
This one clearly has some visible damage from an action-packed kidnapping that must have gone wrong as Police started chasing them. Who knows which side won. At least we know that the kidnap van clipped something on the way. Would be sweet if it was a fire hydrant that created a big scene at the site of collision (or rather, scrape). What’s missing on this kidnap van? Just the marketing signs. The fella who owns this need to get a big label/decal/sign that says “Bob’s Kidnapping Service, LLC” and several special offers such as “Kidnap Two People, Get One Free” or “One Child Free with Every Kidnapped Mother”. Oh, and don’t forget to tape people’s reaction – as well as take pictures of the arrest.
Toyota FJ Cruiser, Eye Bruiser
Here we’ve got an ugly ride by the same great people that brought you everyone’s favorite “Saved by Zero” commercial – which in fact features the oh-so-stunning FJ Cruiser. Truth is that the commercial is as repelling as the looks of the weird-looking eye-bruiser.
Something about a radical look and radical colors is just a bit too much. It’s either or love-it or hate-it deal with this ride, but most people would doubtlessly lean towards the hate-it crowd. To jaggedy and edgy yet bloated and ‘puffed-up’ at the same time. The headlights are puny and weak, giving off just a cheapo vibe. Who makes the turn signal bigger than the headlight? And just look towards the back at the tail lights – they stick out like some pimple that’s filled with puss. And once again we’ve got the ‘white-top’ look which for some reason is very common on ugly cars, as we’ve seen on the Ford Flex for instance. But if you’re really trying to convince yourself that you like this car, then let’s put it into perspective and make it all relative – just think of the fact that it could (surprisingly) look even worse:
The WAY Too Tricked-Out Pickup Truck
Communities of car enthusiasts host occasional meets-and-greets to showcase their rides, and oftentimes it’s a hit-or-miss outcome. The hits can be sweet rides, and the misses can be a great source of ridiculousness that provides us with a feeding ground for pix and flicks. And here of course is one example, with a crazy-arse pickup truck that’s just a bit over the top. At first glance it might not seem like it, but when you look closer, it’s pretty clear.
So what’s wrong with this seemingly sleek ride? For one, it’s the “pebble effect” or whatever else you might want to call it. What am I referring to? Well, check out the rims for instance. Tons of little beads – they separate the flow and make it look disconnected. And look at that grille guard. Once again, these diamond-beads line the top and bottom (maybe it’s even on the grille itself). But most of all: take a look at the side-view mirrors! WTF?! It’s a friggin guitar head with tuning keys and everything included! So is this a car or a musical instrument? Clearly neither.
Wait – so it’s a video game machine as well? So you’ve got fake instrument side-view mirrors and then fake-instrument game controllers? So what’s the deal here? And is that a television on top there? Cause it definitely looks like it’s the back of a window air conditioning unit that’ll be cooling the front cab of the car. Classy. Oh, and let’s hope that it never starts raining as you’re driving this thing. You know, being practical and all, this ride has 90% of the onboard electronic components exposed to blend with nature. Maybe they’re trying to appeal to the “green” crowd by embracing the outdoors with all that soon-to-be landfill gadgetry.
The New Mercedes US: Ugly Stump
Ladies and gents – so once again we get a chance to make fun of a car by calling it a “toy”. But this time it’s not a usual subject of ridicule – it’s a Mercedes. And yet, calling it a toy is not even a joke – no need to use your imagination, just use your eyes. Check out the “redesigned” stump-variation of the GLK:
What does that remind you of? C’mon. Don’t be shy. Don’t hold it back. You know it. The memories from your childhood. The toy that the cool kid always had. The reason you have to shell out a whole week’s paycheck to make your child a happy camper. That’s right – it’s a life-sized, adult-version, precise-copy of the Fisher-Price Power Wheels car! In fact, it looks to be a very close knock-off of the luxurious Cadillac Escalade:
The Suppository Racer
OK – so there is really not much to say for this one. It’s one of those that you just have to look at one and you already know what everyone’s thinking. Specifically, this lil’ racer looks like it will drive right up your poopshoot, hopefully leaving the wheels behind as it slides into a rectum like your common medical suppository.
Sure, it’s nice and all that someone built this from scratch and put a lot of work into it. But can you just imagine how that same time could have been used for something much more productive? Heck, if you like cars that much, go get yourself a crapper from the salvage yard for $200 and rebuild the thing. That’s fun now – not building some type of torpedo rocket on wheels. Even better, you could have done some good for society (instead of hurting our eyes) – even saving a couple puppies at the shelter. Next time, get on that. Kthxbye.
A Mustang and a Smart Car Sitting in a Tree…
It’s starting to look like there are so many ugly cars out there and so little time to cover them all. We’re thinking that we’ll switch over to a format with even less text so that the visuals can “shine” and speak for themselves. You can use your imagination to ridicule the ugly cars that we expose. Starting with today, which must have included a lot of such imagination just to be able to come up with an incredibly unappealing concoction by cross-mating a mustang with a Smart Car.
Depending on your tastes this picture might be babe-a-licious for you. But definitely independent of your tastes and rather objectively, the ride in the background is just awkward and uncomfortable to look at. It’s one of those cases of stunted growth again. Looks like a dwarfed muscle car. The Smart Car by itself is OK looking and passes overall. The mustang is just a nice-looking car in general. So why ruin both of them at once? Do you have nothing better to do, whoever did this?
At least we all know now what it looks like when you superimpose one of the cars onto the other – Mustang and Smart. But did anyone ask for that? Was anyone actually curious? No! In fact, the result looks like a cheapo home-project. Even reminiscent of communist little cars. Especially the back – where that little ledge just doesn’t make any sense. The true inspiration must be the communist FIat.
The Hummer H3 on Wooden Wheels: Art?
I just don’t get people sometimes. Why in the world would you take a car that’s already ugly and make it even uglier? It’s great for us. We get to showcase the uninteresting Hummer H3 as a car itself and also this specific modified H3 with friggin’ wooden wheels. What’s best of all, they are apparently calling this “art”. I mean I’m no pro or anything at this, but since when did we call “making something incredibly ugly” as equivalent to “art”? And that leads us to the next question: what is the world coming to?
What the heck is going on here? Some are thinking that it’s “baller” and commenting on the “awesomeness” of this. But let’s get real. I don’t care if it’s just for art – it’s clearly impractical. Why in the world would you want to ride on wooden wheels like it’s 1650 if we have put so much money into making whatever tire technology is considered to be the “best” today? But even besides that, take a look at how ugly the Hummer itself is. A simply artless car – without form, without any distinctive presence (except for it’s overly large size), without any appeal. Looks like no inspiration went into this car – except for only maybe the original hummer, which was even uglier than this of course. Like many of the other cars we’ve looked at, including even yesterday’s Mercedes G-class, it’s way too jagged, boxy, cuby, and just too disconnected among the various dimensions. Eww.
If the wheels had some interesting and unique design, if they even had some creative shape, or just some interesting colors, then sure, maybe it could be somehow considered to be “Art”. But what’s so great about this? Simple wood with simple spikes with simple unfinished tree carvings. What’s the big deal? It’s just ugly – and that’s it. The wheels are oversized and the thinness makes them look just ridiculous and out-of-place. Just don’t do this again – ever. Thanks.
The Mercedes G-Class – A Modern German Tank
Oh, the Germans. We just covered another Mercedes two days ago that compromised the German car-marker’s image of “prestige” and “quality”. Now we have another aesthetic failure by Mercedes with the overly-boxy and just way-too-edgy G-class. This seems to be another case of German nostalgia for their military past, like the VW Thing.
The worst thing about the G-class is the geometry. Everything is square-ish and boxy. All the parts are separate. There is no fluidity – no smoothness – no flow. Everything is jagged. The bumper and fenders look like they’re not even fully attached. The hood looks like it’s barely latched onto the car. The headlamps have their own little thing going. Looks like you can just pull out their square housing. And the roof/top? Clearly not even part of the car. You can just pop it off.
Worst of all is that this ugly SUV goes for around 100 grand, which is a crazy amount to pay for something as hideous as this. In fact, you can get a car that looks almost identical for a fraction of the price from India – made by the good people at Tata Motors. Seems to be confirmation that rich people don’t know what to do with their money. It’s even worse when they decide to use their extra cash to litter the roads with some street-legal panzer tank. People, please stop buying this car and let’s just get it out of production! And certainly don’t even think about getting the overly-awkward convertible version which makes this look like the Suzuki X-90:
More About the Tata Nano
Here is a nice little video (although admittedly way too long) about the Tata Nano. You can check out the cheapo ride from a few more angles. The best part about this video is that it’s presented by some funny Indian people.
Tata Nano – The Cheapo Ride For $2500
It’s called the “People’s Car” due to its affordable price. The $2500 price tag also means that it has to be made of components that together cost less than $2500 so that there is at least some type of profit margin on the sales. That also means that you are getting a whole car for the price of a “leather seat upgrade” on a Mercedes. So while you’re driving in this little joke of a car, the guy in the luxury sedan next to you at the red light is farting into a leather seat that costs more than the steering wheel you’re holding, the pedals you’re pressing, the windshield you’re looking through, and the radio you’re listening to – combined.
This car looks like it has a disease that’s bloating and inflating the car from the inside and will make it explode soon. The front hood and windshield are already bulging out beyond standard safety specifications. The thing also came with some type of pre-existing condition that stunted its growth. It looks like a sickly stump, awkwardly underdeveloped. It’s the kid who was tallest in third grade and then stayed the same height for the rest of his life.
It also seems to come in the most vibrant and eye-catching colors possible – such as neon red and sunshine yellow. The car should instead only be made in camouflage patterns to increase the possibility that no one will actually see it as it’s driving down the road. Asphalt grey is also an option. We want to avoid attracting attention to the driver – the poor guy who lets himself see in public in one of these. And check out those wheels. I’m sure that with the low price of that car, new tires will go for about 10 bucks – but if you’re close to a Home Depot or Lowes you can just pop in and pick up a wheelbarrow. In fact, those wheels are made by the same people who supply the wheels for the Tata Nano. Yup, a little known fact – now made public. You’re welcome.
