Nissan Glider Concept Car
And once again it looks like manufacturers are trying to follow each other on stupid silly trends that do nothing but create ugly cars for our roads. BMW is toying with a “leaning car” concept called simply SIMPLE, and here we see Nissan going for the same “feature” although while also following the misjudgments on design that had them make the Nissan Cube. If this whole leaning trend continues I will personally start a worldwide club of road-protectors whose time will be solely devoted to leaning-car-tipping. Experienced cow-tippers will be the first to get membership.
This thing clearly aims to take cars into a whole new dimension by reversing proportions. Instead of low and wide as most cars are, the Nissan Glider concept is clearly trying to create a trend of narrow and tall – or at least taller than it is wide. We should call it the “fish pucker face” period in car design and quickly ban such proportions.
Daihatsu Picnic Basket
What the heck is this ridiculous-looking thing? The Japanese are just crazy sometimes. Sure they make some of the best, most durable, well-performing cars out there. In fact, most of them look just fine. But why do they suddenly have to make themselves the strange culture again as with their Manga weirdness and be planning production of something that genuinely looks like a picnic basket – hence very aptly named at least?
It sounds like this is just a concept car for now, but let’s all pray and hope that it will never make it into production. There is no reason to make crap if you’re already spending the time and resources to design, plan, and produce something. I wish I were Godzilla and could just pick these little things up all over Japan to right by their basket handle to just throw them into the Ocean.
BMW SIMPLE Leaning Concept Vehicle
It’s painful to see manufacturers that usually create nothing but beauties make something appalling – or even think of making something that clearly doesn’t align with their usually good taste. Poor Mercedes has done it several times: with the A-Class, the G-Class, and the SLA Concept. Yet we rarely see BMW make sure a huge mistake. They’re only thinking about it for now with their SIMPLE concept, but the decision should also be simple in the end – NOT to actually mass-produce it.
This seems to be another unfortunate example where function is prioritized over form. We see it all the time with hybrids, where their “greenness” is supposedly a valid excuse for them being completely unappealing. Here with BMW it’s some “leaning” gimmick where the vehicle “curves with the road” on turns. Forget these types of useless “innovations” and focus on sticking with what works. Everyone would agree that BMW doesn’t need to improve much more on their ultimate driving machines. Yet, they feel the need to scare us with some spaceship that has wheels.
The Nissan Cube Needs to be Recalled
What is it with companies continuing to create these ugly box cars? When Scion did it, they sold a lot not because their car was super hott looking. The only reason they made it big was because Scion’s price tag is so low. People will buy anything for less if it gets them from point A to point B – especially if they can get a new car for less than anywhere else. Yet other manufacturers simply associated the Box design as being a smash hit – and unfortunate for the rest of us, started copying the design. Don’t they see that these cars are hideous?
The Nissan Cube is one serious uggler. It doesn’t even play off the “bad-ass” vibe like the straight-edged and corner-cut Scion xB. It has this bubbly aspect to it as if trying to be cute. Well, it fails on all angles. And when did Nissan miss one of the central points of human appeal – symmetry? I believe they use that as a guideline for every other model they produce – so why not on the Cube? Probably because they knew it would be doomed to fugly-hell, and so why not pretend like you ‘meant’ to make it completely unattractive in the first place.
I sincerely hope that Nissan Cube owners will become so used to have a full view behind them to the back-right that they forget that there is for some stupid reason an obstruction on the back-left, resulting in careless driving mistakes when backing up and multiple crashes throughout the owner’s lifetime. They’ll be minor enough that nothing will happen to the driver (after all, they’ll be going in reverse), but still of course memorable enough that even those who gave this uggler a try will associate nothing but hate and annoyance with the Cube. Luckily they’re being recalled, but for a small fault. Hopefully soon they will all be recalled for being butt-ugly.
East German Trabi Traban – in NEON PINK!
Here is another East-German lovely. Funny enough, it looks to be not far off in design from our previously posted Wartburg. Maybe they were all like-minded over there. Oh wait, they were forced to be like-minded during communism – so it would be no surprise if that transcended into every dimension of life, including design. Maybe it was because tastes were the same? Either way, this thingy might have been able to pick up the ladies in its day – but in neon pink?! This dude must have been ultra-desperate. I hope it worked for him – cause I’m sure his ‘bros’ definitely must have alienated him after he got that paint job.
Wartburg 353 Rusty Multicolored
Here is a non-classic and non-classy wanna-be classy classic. Straight from the source of its own motherland in East Germany, the Wartburg 353 is aptly names – as it’s just as appealing as a wart. In fact, funny enough, multi-colored warts are even more infected and bothersome than just continuous single-colored warts. Who wouldn’t want a nice “sky-and-clouds” themed (Wart)burg in their garage?!
The Spyker D12 SSUV
The closest competition to this little uggler that I can think of is the Dyson Upright Super-Sweeping Vacuum Cleaner. After all, take a look at that huge pout in the front. That under-bite grille on the Spyker looks like it could suck my carpet clean and dry in seconds. Even more – the hood looks like it has just the right place to attach the trash-collecting bag. Lucky enough though, at least the backside is nice – not!
The Long-Awaited Ford Transit Connect Electric
We have been waiting oh-so-long for a Ford all-electric car (not really of course – no one cares). Clearly, Ford wanted to check the landscape first to pop onto the scene with an all-star that blows everyone else out of the water. Honda tested the hybrid model first with its Honda Insight all the way back in 2000. Then the all-popular Toyota Prius made it onto the scene. Not much later, Ford itself created the Escape Hybrid to test the waters. But we have waited long, with much anticipation, as Ford was undoubtedly working days and nights to create the best, world-class design for its first all-electric debut. And we finally have it: the Ford Transit Connect:
What?!? Exactly. Let’s try to understand the thought-process here. This is Ford: a car manufacturer that is in some incredibly deep doo-doo – as is the car industry as a whole. They continue to make cars. With each one, they have an opportunity to create something that will have mass appeal. They can create a car that will look amazing and will cater to the most people possible. That way they could sell more cars, make more money, and be in less of that doo-doo. But what do they do instead? Create a crazy-ugly commercial panel van?!?! What in the world are they thinking! And they wonder why they’re failing?
Now that they’ve made a car to capture the hearts of the 20-person market that this targets, I really do hope that they create another such beaty that will grab the attention of another 20 folks with deep pockets. What a great business model, clearly. And take a look at that thing. It’s got all the boxiness that any eye hates. It looks incredibly cheapo and it even has a useless elevated roof that just completely eliminates all appeal. Don’t agree that the higher roof is useless? Well sure, you would reasonably think that there has to be a purpose to it. In a way, you’re right. They stretched the car vertically and ruined asthetics even more to make sure that they have space for the ever-so-necessary overhead compartment. Who doesn’t want to be like an airplane these days!
But at least it must be comfortable, no? Oh, yes, of course. In fact, just as comfortable as – once again – an airplane (except even less spacious than coach class):
Mercedes Benz SLA Concept
This isn’t one of the newer concept cars, which is good – because it means that it luckily didn’t make it out there onto the roads. But it still gives you some insight into what the heck people are thinking when they try to come up with a design.
Kudos to whomever pulled the plug on this before it made its way into production. Just making a concept car was a waste of time and resources though. If you look at the car and just take away the Mercedes emblem from front-center, you would never ever guess that this could be a Benz. It looks like some failed attempt by some cheap Korean brand to make a sports car (or at least something that looks like it). What’s the deal with that grid on top of the hood? Is it so that people can peek in? That looks like those crates that line the ceilings of rooms with fluorescent light bulbs/tubes.
Oh golly – and I hope that the suitcase there is included for free. Of course I’d like to let everyone know that I don’t have enough trunk-space to hold my groceries. C’mon now – there’s clearly a good reason for it. I cross the border a lot and I’d like to speed it up by making clear that I couldn’t be hiding anything. A body wouldn’t fit in there if I can’t even get a suitcase in, and clearly no smugglers would hire me since that load would be too puny for them. So let me go.
The Ford Kidnapping Van
What’s the easiest way to fall into the attention of that nearby police cruiser? Simply drive the standard-issue kidnap van made by Ford and popularized by mobs, gangs, and criminals worldwide (and by worldwide we mean America):
This one clearly has some visible damage from an action-packed kidnapping that must have gone wrong as Police started chasing them. Who knows which side won. At least we know that the kidnap van clipped something on the way. Would be sweet if it was a fire hydrant that created a big scene at the site of collision (or rather, scrape). What’s missing on this kidnap van? Just the marketing signs. The fella who owns this need to get a big label/decal/sign that says “Bob’s Kidnapping Service, LLC” and several special offers such as “Kidnap Two People, Get One Free” or “One Child Free with Every Kidnapped Mother”. Oh, and don’t forget to tape people’s reaction – as well as take pictures of the arrest.
Toyota FJ Cruiser, Eye Bruiser
Here we’ve got an ugly ride by the same great people that brought you everyone’s favorite “Saved by Zero” commercial – which in fact features the oh-so-stunning FJ Cruiser. Truth is that the commercial is as repelling as the looks of the weird-looking eye-bruiser.
Something about a radical look and radical colors is just a bit too much. It’s either or love-it or hate-it deal with this ride, but most people would doubtlessly lean towards the hate-it crowd. To jaggedy and edgy yet bloated and ‘puffed-up’ at the same time. The headlights are puny and weak, giving off just a cheapo vibe. Who makes the turn signal bigger than the headlight? And just look towards the back at the tail lights – they stick out like some pimple that’s filled with puss. And once again we’ve got the ‘white-top’ look which for some reason is very common on ugly cars, as we’ve seen on the Ford Flex for instance. But if you’re really trying to convince yourself that you like this car, then let’s put it into perspective and make it all relative – just think of the fact that it could (surprisingly) look even worse:
The WAY Too Tricked-Out Pickup Truck
Communities of car enthusiasts host occasional meets-and-greets to showcase their rides, and oftentimes it’s a hit-or-miss outcome. The hits can be sweet rides, and the misses can be a great source of ridiculousness that provides us with a feeding ground for pix and flicks. And here of course is one example, with a crazy-arse pickup truck that’s just a bit over the top. At first glance it might not seem like it, but when you look closer, it’s pretty clear.
So what’s wrong with this seemingly sleek ride? For one, it’s the “pebble effect” or whatever else you might want to call it. What am I referring to? Well, check out the rims for instance. Tons of little beads – they separate the flow and make it look disconnected. And look at that grille guard. Once again, these diamond-beads line the top and bottom (maybe it’s even on the grille itself). But most of all: take a look at the side-view mirrors! WTF?! It’s a friggin guitar head with tuning keys and everything included! So is this a car or a musical instrument? Clearly neither.
Wait – so it’s a video game machine as well? So you’ve got fake instrument side-view mirrors and then fake-instrument game controllers? So what’s the deal here? And is that a television on top there? Cause it definitely looks like it’s the back of a window air conditioning unit that’ll be cooling the front cab of the car. Classy. Oh, and let’s hope that it never starts raining as you’re driving this thing. You know, being practical and all, this ride has 90% of the onboard electronic components exposed to blend with nature. Maybe they’re trying to appeal to the “green” crowd by embracing the outdoors with all that soon-to-be landfill gadgetry.
The New Mercedes US: Ugly Stump
Ladies and gents – so once again we get a chance to make fun of a car by calling it a “toy”. But this time it’s not a usual subject of ridicule – it’s a Mercedes. And yet, calling it a toy is not even a joke – no need to use your imagination, just use your eyes. Check out the “redesigned” stump-variation of the GLK:
What does that remind you of? C’mon. Don’t be shy. Don’t hold it back. You know it. The memories from your childhood. The toy that the cool kid always had. The reason you have to shell out a whole week’s paycheck to make your child a happy camper. That’s right – it’s a life-sized, adult-version, precise-copy of the Fisher-Price Power Wheels car! In fact, it looks to be a very close knock-off of the luxurious Cadillac Escalade:
The Suppository Racer
OK – so there is really not much to say for this one. It’s one of those that you just have to look at one and you already know what everyone’s thinking. Specifically, this lil’ racer looks like it will drive right up your poopshoot, hopefully leaving the wheels behind as it slides into a rectum like your common medical suppository.
Sure, it’s nice and all that someone built this from scratch and put a lot of work into it. But can you just imagine how that same time could have been used for something much more productive? Heck, if you like cars that much, go get yourself a crapper from the salvage yard for $200 and rebuild the thing. That’s fun now – not building some type of torpedo rocket on wheels. Even better, you could have done some good for society (instead of hurting our eyes) – even saving a couple puppies at the shelter. Next time, get on that. Kthxbye.
A Mustang and a Smart Car Sitting in a Tree…
It’s starting to look like there are so many ugly cars out there and so little time to cover them all. We’re thinking that we’ll switch over to a format with even less text so that the visuals can “shine” and speak for themselves. You can use your imagination to ridicule the ugly cars that we expose. Starting with today, which must have included a lot of such imagination just to be able to come up with an incredibly unappealing concoction by cross-mating a mustang with a Smart Car.
Depending on your tastes this picture might be babe-a-licious for you. But definitely independent of your tastes and rather objectively, the ride in the background is just awkward and uncomfortable to look at. It’s one of those cases of stunted growth again. Looks like a dwarfed muscle car. The Smart Car by itself is OK looking and passes overall. The mustang is just a nice-looking car in general. So why ruin both of them at once? Do you have nothing better to do, whoever did this?
At least we all know now what it looks like when you superimpose one of the cars onto the other – Mustang and Smart. But did anyone ask for that? Was anyone actually curious? No! In fact, the result looks like a cheapo home-project. Even reminiscent of communist little cars. Especially the back – where that little ledge just doesn’t make any sense. The true inspiration must be the communist FIat.